Thanks, Lisa. My life has a lot of joy and fun in it these days. Just a couple of recent things I’m finding challenging, being made redundant, and a lawsuit. Outside of those difficulties, fear not, I have a lot of joy!
Great, visceral writing. Yes, haunted by a happy thing that didn’t turn out so rosy. A lost love, wrong turns, poor decisions. Don’t we all have regret closets? The trick is not to go in there too often and never let them define us.
It’s an interesting one because I can’t actually regret it. We had three children I am very glad of. I learnt a great deal; I grew as a person. It was a hard experience but being far away from it now and having worked through the pain makes it a source of strength. My instinct as a writer is to stay in there and explore it until you know every inch and it has no hold over you.
Maybe the trick is also ... to be sure to leave the door open behind us. Knowing how to escape bad thoughts is essential. Go in, view, don't absorb, get out; becoming just another memory.
Certainly no one should dwell in thoughts that feel bad. But I prefer to transform them into neutral ones using EFT tapping, because if the insights that arise. Everything, for me, is in the service of personal growth and becoming a better writer.
We get attracted by passionate people and sometimes it turns out they need to chill out, just calm down and recharge their batteries, and not via too much drink, or drugs.
I mean, REALLY REALLY need to chill out, as in "On the edge of an intervention by either friends , or the local constabulary."
I honestly think this has been going on in one form or another for thousands of years, too, maybe a
perennial battle to escape boredom ("sex and drugs and rock and roll") and the escape routes being crowded with interesting people, friends and lovers, until it's time to take a break.
Thanks Ros, for writing about some aspects of all this with so much subtlety. There is much to ponder, no really easy answers, many mysteries and ambivalence.
Really enjoyed this. I've recently gone back into a Darkroom to develop photographs and it's been so interesting.to experience the nostalgia of old places, now changed. It's a profound experience very particular, I think, to humans!
I have happy mid-1980s memories of my local, The Bird in Hand which was next door to the Cambridge Evening News on the Newmarket Road. I lived over the Grafton Centre down the road with my boyfriend for a few years until we split up. I moved out but I got the pub. The guys from the paper next door were super, one of them played a mean Honky Tonk Train Blues on the piano, and in time I took over his slot, doing singalongs and Christmas carols plus my party piece Take Five! Many drunken nights, lock-ins, and when I moved from Cambridge to a new job, it was the landlord who drove me and all my possessions to my new gaff. It's closed now, so I couldn't go back even if I wanted to, which is a good thing.
That sounds like an amazing place, Annabel. How fantastic to have a piano too. Quite a few pubs used to. Singalongs are always wonerful, when they happen. And the landlord moving you, what a precious addition! A good landlord really could be your friend then, it seemed. It would hurt to find it transformed so just as well it closed down.
The horse and groom! Used to go there from time to time in the 90s. Makes me miss Brighton until I remember I’m probably missing the ‘90s / Brighton in the ‘90s / being the age I was then instead!
Thanks so much for including my How we met story in your round-up of things enjoyed on Substack, Ros. I am honoured.
On pubs, this is so thought provoking. I wonder how I'd feel about finding myself back at the one I hung out in with my alcoholic second boyfriend when I was 20-ish. It didn't have such positive vs negative connotations as yours, but I can absolutely time travel back there in my head. Despite not being a "pub person", for that couple of years there was so much life there; and so much of my life was there, all tied in with that relationship. I have no idea whether he's alive or dead.
I so loved your How We Met story, Wendy, it has stuck with me! That's an interesting one, the alcoholic boyfriend. I guess whether he's alive or dead will depend on whether he kept up the drinking.
I relate to this piece so much, Ros. The textures of time overlaying both physical spaces and my own mental landscape. I have actually been in Brighton since 1993, and although I never went to Horse and Groom I did go to the Sussex Arts Club, and like you I go around saying ,"Oh you mean the ..." except sometimes I can't even remember what a place used to be. It's odd moving in such a changing space where memories are always being rewritten. Thank you 🙏
Thanks Lisa. This is what everyone finds, I guess, hanging out in the same place for a few decades. It's odd to see the places of memory get written over.
This reminds me of my 90s pub, the Cambridge Blue. I went there a lot with my horrible ex, but it was also where I met the lovely man who rescued me from the horrible ex.
Stunning writing, Ros. I really felt as if I were in Brighton with you! I'm sorry to hear about the abuse you suffered. Thank you for writing about it so eloquently.
Your post reminds me of the last time my husband and I were in Brighton, which was this Christmas gone. We went out to a few bars and pubs with friends. It had been a long time since we'd spent an evening out there and we found the mood of the city to be very different to how we remembered. We couldn't decide if it was the city which had changed or if it was us. I think perhaps both.
Thank you, Emma. It’s become a habit carried over from my fiction, to write in the present tense to make the moment feel more immediate and vivid for the reader.
Brighton has changed a lot for sure. But it’s definitely ‘bit of both’ for me too. It has always been a party town, and specialises in things many of us grow out of. But I still love the buildings, the sea, the arts here, and the acceptance of difference.
I love present tense for nonfiction! In fact, my memoir is written in present tense. I started writing it so soon after my diagnosis that to have written it any other way would've felt odd.
I totally concur with your thoughts on Brighton. I certainly used to be a lot wilder when I lived there. But the city still has my heart, for all the reasons you say!
I can imagine your surprise when you discovered the party venue was your old hang out. You were a true friend to remain until the end of the party. I enjoyed hearing of the pleasures and fellowship of your old neighborhood pub. I have never lived near such a place.
My aunt left me nothing but I love your captivating writing and YOUR STRENGTH. I've gone back to places like that and been similarly overwhelmed. It's all part of the amazing women we are today. I call this my fourth life for similar reasons and struggles. Rock on, enjoy and treasure that new husband. I do.
very brave, vulnerable piece♥️ May you have peace throughout your life? Find joy and have fun♥️
Thanks, Lisa. My life has a lot of joy and fun in it these days. Just a couple of recent things I’m finding challenging, being made redundant, and a lawsuit. Outside of those difficulties, fear not, I have a lot of joy!
Difficult experiences don't define anyone and more fool anyone who thinks that they do.
there’s nothing like a challenge just have to find a solution♥️
Great, visceral writing. Yes, haunted by a happy thing that didn’t turn out so rosy. A lost love, wrong turns, poor decisions. Don’t we all have regret closets? The trick is not to go in there too often and never let them define us.
It’s an interesting one because I can’t actually regret it. We had three children I am very glad of. I learnt a great deal; I grew as a person. It was a hard experience but being far away from it now and having worked through the pain makes it a source of strength. My instinct as a writer is to stay in there and explore it until you know every inch and it has no hold over you.
Maybe the trick is also ... to be sure to leave the door open behind us. Knowing how to escape bad thoughts is essential. Go in, view, don't absorb, get out; becoming just another memory.
Certainly no one should dwell in thoughts that feel bad. But I prefer to transform them into neutral ones using EFT tapping, because if the insights that arise. Everything, for me, is in the service of personal growth and becoming a better writer.
And becoming a better person in the process, no?
That’s what personal growth means, I think! As I said in the piece: “But from the ruin of me that escaped, I built a better version of myself.”
We get attracted by passionate people and sometimes it turns out they need to chill out, just calm down and recharge their batteries, and not via too much drink, or drugs.
I mean, REALLY REALLY need to chill out, as in "On the edge of an intervention by either friends , or the local constabulary."
I honestly think this has been going on in one form or another for thousands of years, too, maybe a
perennial battle to escape boredom ("sex and drugs and rock and roll") and the escape routes being crowded with interesting people, friends and lovers, until it's time to take a break.
Thanks Ros, for writing about some aspects of all this with so much subtlety. There is much to ponder, no really easy answers, many mysteries and ambivalence.
Really enjoyed this. I've recently gone back into a Darkroom to develop photographs and it's been so interesting.to experience the nostalgia of old places, now changed. It's a profound experience very particular, I think, to humans!
Yes, I imagine dogs would go ‘still smells like beer’ and cats don’t give a crap about anything!
Wonderful piece.
I have happy mid-1980s memories of my local, The Bird in Hand which was next door to the Cambridge Evening News on the Newmarket Road. I lived over the Grafton Centre down the road with my boyfriend for a few years until we split up. I moved out but I got the pub. The guys from the paper next door were super, one of them played a mean Honky Tonk Train Blues on the piano, and in time I took over his slot, doing singalongs and Christmas carols plus my party piece Take Five! Many drunken nights, lock-ins, and when I moved from Cambridge to a new job, it was the landlord who drove me and all my possessions to my new gaff. It's closed now, so I couldn't go back even if I wanted to, which is a good thing.
That sounds like an amazing place, Annabel. How fantastic to have a piano too. Quite a few pubs used to. Singalongs are always wonerful, when they happen. And the landlord moving you, what a precious addition! A good landlord really could be your friend then, it seemed. It would hurt to find it transformed so just as well it closed down.
The horse and groom! Used to go there from time to time in the 90s. Makes me miss Brighton until I remember I’m probably missing the ‘90s / Brighton in the ‘90s / being the age I was then instead!
I left that street in 1993. Might we have crossed paths? Ah, the early 90s in Brighton were good times.
I lived on church street in 1993 so possibly!
Thanks so much for including my How we met story in your round-up of things enjoyed on Substack, Ros. I am honoured.
On pubs, this is so thought provoking. I wonder how I'd feel about finding myself back at the one I hung out in with my alcoholic second boyfriend when I was 20-ish. It didn't have such positive vs negative connotations as yours, but I can absolutely time travel back there in my head. Despite not being a "pub person", for that couple of years there was so much life there; and so much of my life was there, all tied in with that relationship. I have no idea whether he's alive or dead.
I so loved your How We Met story, Wendy, it has stuck with me! That's an interesting one, the alcoholic boyfriend. I guess whether he's alive or dead will depend on whether he kept up the drinking.
Thanks, Ros.
Yes, exactly. I didn’t fancy his chances if he carried on drinking, but who knows?!
I relate to this piece so much, Ros. The textures of time overlaying both physical spaces and my own mental landscape. I have actually been in Brighton since 1993, and although I never went to Horse and Groom I did go to the Sussex Arts Club, and like you I go around saying ,"Oh you mean the ..." except sometimes I can't even remember what a place used to be. It's odd moving in such a changing space where memories are always being rewritten. Thank you 🙏
Thanks Lisa. This is what everyone finds, I guess, hanging out in the same place for a few decades. It's odd to see the places of memory get written over.
This reminds me of my 90s pub, the Cambridge Blue. I went there a lot with my horrible ex, but it was also where I met the lovely man who rescued me from the horrible ex.
At least it has some good juju to balance the bad!
I like anything with literary references really - e.g. 'Brighton Rock'. They give depth to what is just cheapened as 'melodrama' - womens' stories.
Stunning writing, Ros. I really felt as if I were in Brighton with you! I'm sorry to hear about the abuse you suffered. Thank you for writing about it so eloquently.
Your post reminds me of the last time my husband and I were in Brighton, which was this Christmas gone. We went out to a few bars and pubs with friends. It had been a long time since we'd spent an evening out there and we found the mood of the city to be very different to how we remembered. We couldn't decide if it was the city which had changed or if it was us. I think perhaps both.
Thank you, Emma. It’s become a habit carried over from my fiction, to write in the present tense to make the moment feel more immediate and vivid for the reader.
Brighton has changed a lot for sure. But it’s definitely ‘bit of both’ for me too. It has always been a party town, and specialises in things many of us grow out of. But I still love the buildings, the sea, the arts here, and the acceptance of difference.
I love present tense for nonfiction! In fact, my memoir is written in present tense. I started writing it so soon after my diagnosis that to have written it any other way would've felt odd.
I totally concur with your thoughts on Brighton. I certainly used to be a lot wilder when I lived there. But the city still has my heart, for all the reasons you say!
I can imagine your surprise when you discovered the party venue was your old hang out. You were a true friend to remain until the end of the party. I enjoyed hearing of the pleasures and fellowship of your old neighborhood pub. I have never lived near such a place.
Not quite the end, but for a respectable amount of time! It was great to have such a place for a few years.
My aunt left me nothing but I love your captivating writing and YOUR STRENGTH. I've gone back to places like that and been similarly overwhelmed. It's all part of the amazing women we are today. I call this my fourth life for similar reasons and struggles. Rock on, enjoy and treasure that new husband. I do.
Thank you, Janice. What a lovely comment. Ah, the strength is hard-won, isn’t it! The husband, yes. I do too. A treasure.
Gorgeous. I walked in with you. Thank you.
Thank you, Jonathan. I felt you with me. Retrospectively.
This is the joy of writing and sharing the difficult things.
“But from the ruin of me that escaped, I built a better version of myself.” Terrific writing. Thank you.
There is a place I will never return to, and that is the World Trade Center site. I'll tell you about it some day, when I can.