You make a very good point. Each of us have experienced shame, disappointment, abandonment and deprivation to varying degrees. I can remember in both grade and high school being athletically challenged because of childhood diseases. Being continually chosen last for a team at recess or lunch was a constant stress but over time I worked my way through it.
Yes, that kind of thing can really undermine you. Working your way through it is exactly what it’s for, but some people find themselves permanently crushed by these things. They seem small from the outside mabe but to a young psyche they are huge. Thanks for your comment, Thomas.
Thanks Ros. Your posts always make me laugh. Now I am compiling a list of small t traumas including the time when I was fourteen and I told my mum I wanted to be a model and she suggested I could be a hand model because I had nice hands. That was literally the moment when I realised I wasn’t pretty.
I’m glad of that, Fran. And what a good thing to do, making that list. That’s a sharp one to cut yourself on, ‘nice hands.’ And relatable because my mum had my sister down as ‘the beautiful one’ and me as ‘the bright one’ which made my sister feel thick and me ugly. She made a few comments of the sort your mum dealt you there which I really stuck with me. Devastating at the time.
Way back in the 20th century, my mother marched me down to our local tech college to enrol in typing class. Which was a good idea. Sure. The woman taking the registrations asked if she would like me enrolled in shorthand as well. Mum replied: "No. She's not smart enough for that". AND I WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE. I ended up BA MA(Hons). Suck on that, Bitch. I remain grateful for the motivation.
Fran, I don't think my mother intended to hurt me either. But she was a stupid, ignorant, thoughtless person who never learned from her mistakes and she made some doozies - this was small fry. I think she had the emotional intelligence of an 11 year old. She never learnt anything from her mistakes and the pain she caused others. I'm truly sorry that your mother warped your image of yourself. We can spend years trying to understand why they did the things they did and said. But in long run we carry the bullshit and pain of their pathetic personalities. Best wishes. K
Wow, that is one slap in the face, thanks Mum. No doubt I'll one day share what my mum said to to me on my first wedding day that had me burst into tears and her say, "What's the matter?" I, too, found early put-downs very motivating, but they also stick to you like meconium.
Your succinctly phrased “Stored traumas are the source of all our less-than-loving actions “ is going to help me take a metaphorical step back next time someone pisses me off 😉
It's a good one to remember, Odet! It can be hard in the moment (we are such reactive creatures sometimes) but the sooner we can recall it, the easier it is to not take on what someone is dishing out.
Regarding your comment about iPhone in the loo and it's message. I used to read Tarot. I really enjoyed it because it let me connect with people. It was fun. One day I lost my cards. They were just starting to fray, get that worn look that you want in tarot cards and carried a faint whiff of the pub I used to read at. I was a bit heartbroken but eventually bought a new deck. I invited some tarot chums to a pub session and all accepted. None turned up. I kept the new cards on a bookshelf. One day I woke to see that my cat had knocked them on the floor and pissed on them. I thought that's it - 3 strikes. I think this is funny and weird and I don't really believe in signs BUT... I'll never read tarot again. Cheers. Hope you're having a good one.
That's so interesting, Kim. I'd definitely take that as a sign to finish with the tarot. Sometimes these things have phases and places in our life and we move past them. Though I truly hope that's not true of me and my phone (which is still sparko).
Wow. My MT always does my bum because I have crappy hip issues and…well, they’re attached. I guess I’ve never specifically asked for bum, but I do regularly say my hips are acting up.
I really dislike situations like that. I feel like I’m awkward enough and I Don’t need help. I’ll think about it FOREVER.
Yes, I really don’t need help either! These are the things that even decades later can destroy you with cringe. I’m glad you haven’t had any problem with your MT on this score and hope I haven’t now infected you with any Gemma residue.
Strange that this should come up this week. I have been seeing an osteopath for 11 years (I remember how long, as I first saw him the week my granddaughter was born prematurely). Over the years we have shared a lot of our personal histories, each of us with emotional and physical abuse in childhood. At times, when funds have been low, he has given me free treatment.
Last session, I said something that I later thought was spoken out of turn, about his father (that complicated thing of having an abusive parent or two, yet you still find things to like or respect about them). I cancelled a session due to illness, he cancelled the next due to illness. He asked for my availability the next week, then didn't reply when I gave him possible dates, nor to a subsequent text I sent. I am now wondering whether I overstepped, but we have always been honest with one another. I called him out once, after he said something that upset me. I don't think he would ghost me. Of course, he might just be ill for longer than anticipated, or have had to go abroad, as his partner's elderly parents live in the Czech Republic. But all I feel is shame for a remark he probably doesn't remember.
I am leaving texting him again, but wondering whether I need to find a new osteopath.
If you've had a close and understanding relationship in the past, I would find a way to get an honest message to him; see if you can find a way to speak to him in person. Leave a voice note at least if you can, as it is more personal. It can be hard to find a new person that fits the bill as much as the old person (as I have found with hairdressers) but you might need a temporary stop-gap osteopath if his life is getting in the way.
Haha, this was such a hilarious and relatable read! 😆💖 You're so right about how even the smallest traumas deserve attention. Gonna carry that with me as I approach the new year! All the feels Ros!
In my experience, the glutes are the key to so much tightness around our body. I massage my husband regularly and the glutes are the first thing I manipulate to iron out the kinks in his legs and the back. It's very satisfying to feel the muscles respond. Maybe Gemma was embarrassed by how much she enjoyed it! 🤣
Haha, thanks Ofifoto. Definitely something going on there, but I shall never know what! They are such major muscles, connected to hips, legs, back... it made total sense to me that they would benefit from massage until she shamed me out of it!
Ex-massage therapist here and lover of glutes massages. I think that the glutes being massaged feels so good because it's one of those areas that is often overlooked now but was very much taken care of when we were a baby. It feels soothing for someone to work on it, because it brings us back to a time when we just had to 'exist'. Just my two cents (give them back please though, Christmas is expensive).
This is a great perspective, Maggie, and I especially value your chipping in as an ex massage therapist. I am already feeling less weird about it so it's working! Here are your two cents back, and a dollar tip for making me feel better!
No worries. Most people like the glutes massaged. Some people wanted other things massaged too, but those ones I kicked out of my massage practice. And thanks for the dollar 😉
Haha oh yeah, those ‘other things’ people, just have to spoil the vibe. As to the dollar, you’re worth a lot more but like you say, Christmas is expensive!
Hey Ros, so true. The gold is in the shadows. And like you say it happens to all of us cos that’s just life. My parents worst sin I think was of omission so I have spent my life fighting against the desire to be recognised for being worthwhile. Boarding school didn’t help where being ‘sent to Coventry’ was a regular experience. I recently came across a course called Hoffmann and discovered I completely identify with my inner critic so I have taken on just being kinder to myself and others around me. I discovered at the same time that my mother’s “low level” violence (wooden spoon, smacking etc.) was actually more traumatic that my father’s horrible anger.
That's fascinating, Stephen, and it's great to hear that you're doing the inner work that makes such a difference. Our relationships with our parents are so foundational and the wounds they cause by omission or otherwise) run really deep. Though that wooden spoon sounds like much more than 'omission'. And boarding school, yep, a lot of damage done there to a lot of kids, including my ex. Sorry you went through all that but also very pleased you're finding new perspectives that will help you.
Phone in the loo has got to be Mercury Rx, weak in Sagittarius, squaring a just direct Saturn in Pisces: Water 💧 in a container 🥣.
I just don't get Gemma. Left herself open to her trauma, then contributed to yours.
Forgive me, I kept thinking there was a gas incident coming. I read something recently here on Substack, where a woman said men always smell like 💩 and it traumatized me. Got me thinking about expensive cologne. Put it on your Xmas lists. Thank you Ros!
Thanks, CG. I must be blessed, I have a very good smelling man, so try not to take someone’s generalisations to heart. Though I am also a sucker for a good cologne. I met someone who was wearing Antonio Banderas’s scent and it gave me the overwhelming urge to kiss him so 10 out of 10 would recommend.
Re Gemma, it’s not an unusual scenario when you realise that for example most people in abusive relationships were abused in some way as children. We open ourselves to trauma echos all the time, presumably unconsciously so that we will get driven to the point of healing the original wound.
Your advice on trauma has been very helpful the past months. I'm being treated for depression and anxiety. Especially the notion that every trauma needs healing. True believer here. In retirement I finally feel I have the time to pay attention to it. Thanks for the cologne recommendation. Happy holidays. #Mistletoe
You make a very good point. Each of us have experienced shame, disappointment, abandonment and deprivation to varying degrees. I can remember in both grade and high school being athletically challenged because of childhood diseases. Being continually chosen last for a team at recess or lunch was a constant stress but over time I worked my way through it.
Yes, that kind of thing can really undermine you. Working your way through it is exactly what it’s for, but some people find themselves permanently crushed by these things. They seem small from the outside mabe but to a young psyche they are huge. Thanks for your comment, Thomas.
Thanks Ros. Your posts always make me laugh. Now I am compiling a list of small t traumas including the time when I was fourteen and I told my mum I wanted to be a model and she suggested I could be a hand model because I had nice hands. That was literally the moment when I realised I wasn’t pretty.
I’m glad of that, Fran. And what a good thing to do, making that list. That’s a sharp one to cut yourself on, ‘nice hands.’ And relatable because my mum had my sister down as ‘the beautiful one’ and me as ‘the bright one’ which made my sister feel thick and me ugly. She made a few comments of the sort your mum dealt you there which I really stuck with me. Devastating at the time.
As the saying goes, ‘they fuck you up your mum and dad, they don’t mean to, but they do.’
Yes, Philip Larkin had it right.
Way back in the 20th century, my mother marched me down to our local tech college to enrol in typing class. Which was a good idea. Sure. The woman taking the registrations asked if she would like me enrolled in shorthand as well. Mum replied: "No. She's not smart enough for that". AND I WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE. I ended up BA MA(Hons). Suck on that, Bitch. I remain grateful for the motivation.
Good for you Kim! I know my mum didn’t mean to hurt me, but I’ve never forgotten it and I’ve always hated my appearance.
Fran, I don't think my mother intended to hurt me either. But she was a stupid, ignorant, thoughtless person who never learned from her mistakes and she made some doozies - this was small fry. I think she had the emotional intelligence of an 11 year old. She never learnt anything from her mistakes and the pain she caused others. I'm truly sorry that your mother warped your image of yourself. We can spend years trying to understand why they did the things they did and said. But in long run we carry the bullshit and pain of their pathetic personalities. Best wishes. K
That's a lot of anger she gave you that you're still having to port around. I mean, it's truly understandable, but this stuff burns into us like acid.
Wow, that is one slap in the face, thanks Mum. No doubt I'll one day share what my mum said to to me on my first wedding day that had me burst into tears and her say, "What's the matter?" I, too, found early put-downs very motivating, but they also stick to you like meconium.
Your succinctly phrased “Stored traumas are the source of all our less-than-loving actions “ is going to help me take a metaphorical step back next time someone pisses me off 😉
It's a good one to remember, Odet! It can be hard in the moment (we are such reactive creatures sometimes) but the sooner we can recall it, the easier it is to not take on what someone is dishing out.
Regarding your comment about iPhone in the loo and it's message. I used to read Tarot. I really enjoyed it because it let me connect with people. It was fun. One day I lost my cards. They were just starting to fray, get that worn look that you want in tarot cards and carried a faint whiff of the pub I used to read at. I was a bit heartbroken but eventually bought a new deck. I invited some tarot chums to a pub session and all accepted. None turned up. I kept the new cards on a bookshelf. One day I woke to see that my cat had knocked them on the floor and pissed on them. I thought that's it - 3 strikes. I think this is funny and weird and I don't really believe in signs BUT... I'll never read tarot again. Cheers. Hope you're having a good one.
I went through something similar with tarot. Stopped when I realized my mood would affect the reading. Cheers
That's so interesting, Kim. I'd definitely take that as a sign to finish with the tarot. Sometimes these things have phases and places in our life and we move past them. Though I truly hope that's not true of me and my phone (which is still sparko).
Wow. My MT always does my bum because I have crappy hip issues and…well, they’re attached. I guess I’ve never specifically asked for bum, but I do regularly say my hips are acting up.
I really dislike situations like that. I feel like I’m awkward enough and I Don’t need help. I’ll think about it FOREVER.
Yes, I really don’t need help either! These are the things that even decades later can destroy you with cringe. I’m glad you haven’t had any problem with your MT on this score and hope I haven’t now infected you with any Gemma residue.
Strange that this should come up this week. I have been seeing an osteopath for 11 years (I remember how long, as I first saw him the week my granddaughter was born prematurely). Over the years we have shared a lot of our personal histories, each of us with emotional and physical abuse in childhood. At times, when funds have been low, he has given me free treatment.
Last session, I said something that I later thought was spoken out of turn, about his father (that complicated thing of having an abusive parent or two, yet you still find things to like or respect about them). I cancelled a session due to illness, he cancelled the next due to illness. He asked for my availability the next week, then didn't reply when I gave him possible dates, nor to a subsequent text I sent. I am now wondering whether I overstepped, but we have always been honest with one another. I called him out once, after he said something that upset me. I don't think he would ghost me. Of course, he might just be ill for longer than anticipated, or have had to go abroad, as his partner's elderly parents live in the Czech Republic. But all I feel is shame for a remark he probably doesn't remember.
I am leaving texting him again, but wondering whether I need to find a new osteopath.
If you've had a close and understanding relationship in the past, I would find a way to get an honest message to him; see if you can find a way to speak to him in person. Leave a voice note at least if you can, as it is more personal. It can be hard to find a new person that fits the bill as much as the old person (as I have found with hairdressers) but you might need a temporary stop-gap osteopath if his life is getting in the way.
Haha, this was such a hilarious and relatable read! 😆💖 You're so right about how even the smallest traumas deserve attention. Gonna carry that with me as I approach the new year! All the feels Ros!
Thanks, Mohika! I'm very glad you like it; that you laughed and found value here too! Have a great festive break and new year.
In my experience, the glutes are the key to so much tightness around our body. I massage my husband regularly and the glutes are the first thing I manipulate to iron out the kinks in his legs and the back. It's very satisfying to feel the muscles respond. Maybe Gemma was embarrassed by how much she enjoyed it! 🤣
Haha, thanks Ofifoto. Definitely something going on there, but I shall never know what! They are such major muscles, connected to hips, legs, back... it made total sense to me that they would benefit from massage until she shamed me out of it!
Ex-massage therapist here and lover of glutes massages. I think that the glutes being massaged feels so good because it's one of those areas that is often overlooked now but was very much taken care of when we were a baby. It feels soothing for someone to work on it, because it brings us back to a time when we just had to 'exist'. Just my two cents (give them back please though, Christmas is expensive).
This is a great perspective, Maggie, and I especially value your chipping in as an ex massage therapist. I am already feeling less weird about it so it's working! Here are your two cents back, and a dollar tip for making me feel better!
No worries. Most people like the glutes massaged. Some people wanted other things massaged too, but those ones I kicked out of my massage practice. And thanks for the dollar 😉
Haha oh yeah, those ‘other things’ people, just have to spoil the vibe. As to the dollar, you’re worth a lot more but like you say, Christmas is expensive!
Preach!
Haha, thanks Bev!
Hey Ros, so true. The gold is in the shadows. And like you say it happens to all of us cos that’s just life. My parents worst sin I think was of omission so I have spent my life fighting against the desire to be recognised for being worthwhile. Boarding school didn’t help where being ‘sent to Coventry’ was a regular experience. I recently came across a course called Hoffmann and discovered I completely identify with my inner critic so I have taken on just being kinder to myself and others around me. I discovered at the same time that my mother’s “low level” violence (wooden spoon, smacking etc.) was actually more traumatic that my father’s horrible anger.
That's fascinating, Stephen, and it's great to hear that you're doing the inner work that makes such a difference. Our relationships with our parents are so foundational and the wounds they cause by omission or otherwise) run really deep. Though that wooden spoon sounds like much more than 'omission'. And boarding school, yep, a lot of damage done there to a lot of kids, including my ex. Sorry you went through all that but also very pleased you're finding new perspectives that will help you.
What the fuck Gemma, arse-muscles get super sore and you're good at what you do. Take the compliment.
Love this, Denise. I wish I could have just said this!
Phone in the loo has got to be Mercury Rx, weak in Sagittarius, squaring a just direct Saturn in Pisces: Water 💧 in a container 🥣.
I just don't get Gemma. Left herself open to her trauma, then contributed to yours.
Forgive me, I kept thinking there was a gas incident coming. I read something recently here on Substack, where a woman said men always smell like 💩 and it traumatized me. Got me thinking about expensive cologne. Put it on your Xmas lists. Thank you Ros!
Thanks, CG. I must be blessed, I have a very good smelling man, so try not to take someone’s generalisations to heart. Though I am also a sucker for a good cologne. I met someone who was wearing Antonio Banderas’s scent and it gave me the overwhelming urge to kiss him so 10 out of 10 would recommend.
Re Gemma, it’s not an unusual scenario when you realise that for example most people in abusive relationships were abused in some way as children. We open ourselves to trauma echos all the time, presumably unconsciously so that we will get driven to the point of healing the original wound.
Your advice on trauma has been very helpful the past months. I'm being treated for depression and anxiety. Especially the notion that every trauma needs healing. True believer here. In retirement I finally feel I have the time to pay attention to it. Thanks for the cologne recommendation. Happy holidays. #Mistletoe
This is great to hear. Happy holidays to you too. x