This is a nice sentiment, but for a huge portion of the electorate this is naïve. For example, when I tried to calmly reason with my brother about how voting for the GOP would hurt me, himself, and other people, he called me a “fascist communist marxist” and every insult he could imagine. I also learned that he wanted to initiate the apocalypse and kill millions of people as part of a holy war. Not everyone on the “other side” is operating with a full set. Far from it. Democracy only functions when people are not (excuse my non-PC language) mentally retarded.
Thanks for commenting, Alexa. I think you might have misunderstood the intention here. It is not about changing anyone's mind except yours. We can't do anything about what other people think or feel. Only what we think or feel. Yes, there are plenty of people around who are utterly unhinged, and it is not worth trying to rationalise with them. But if we do our own emotional processing for the anger and grief and disempowerment we feel, we will be better equipped to operate calmly and rationaliy in a crazy world.... and not make ourselves ill with the stress of it.
That is a good point. I don't really try to convince by argument anymore, as I have never seen it persuade anyone. The attempt to make my brother understand the harm he would do to me was of course pointless, since he was more concerned with making sure that a group of people on the other side of the world would be killed than supporting himself or his relatives. I am a human being and while I have gone through many stages of spiritual development, I am completely enraged at the current moment of history and at how unfathomably stupid and greedy so many Americans and other people around the world are. We are committing suicide as a species and I am starting to think we deserve extinction. Am I ill or am I suffering from an excess of sanity?
I would say you are perfectly sane in your response. It is entirely reasonable to be enraged by what is going on. But staying enraged isn’t good for your health long term so if you want to care for yourself in a way your brother is incapable of doing then finding a method to release that rage would be a loving thing to do for yourself.
Thanks for this Ros. This approach resonates with me very strongly. It's not passive or rolling over and taking it - you seem to be arguing for another way of perceiving, beyond polarities. (Am thinking this non-polarised thought has much in common with post-modern feminist theory as well as mindful/contemplative practice) It doesn't mean one can't challenge damaging behaviours and argue and act for change. As you argue, to continue in the 'them & us ' rage simply perpetuates current divisiveness & works in favour of those who benefit from this way of thinking. Aint easy - but it is for me an act of resistance to the prevailing darkness.
My first reaction after shock was a realisation that the journals I typically read in the UK, The Guardian, The Economist plus countless balanced US media commentators on YouTube were miles away from the true groundswell of sentiment found in some parts of the US. Whether it was pro Trump, anti-Biden/Harris, or just racism, the result was nothing like the predicted close call.
Instead what we see, from a distance at least, is turkeys voting for Christmas. It's like Sunderland in the UK voting for Brexit despite the Nissan car plant being one of the biggest employers in the town.
I hope the Democratic leaning states offer some sort of protection from the worst travails of the next president, the Republican party disowns MAGA and Musk is on Mars for good.
I know. It was so like Brexit in that regard. Everyone tell you it was going to be one thing and then? it really wasn't. That's what you get from the media being as polarised and 'bubbled-off' as the populace. Now we just have to sit through the consequences.
I still remember waking up to the result of the Brexit referendum, and feeling utterly hollow. I couldn't even summon up anger - I was just numb.
I knew my sister had voted for it so, while my son raged, I was in conversation with my sister, trying to get to the heart of her decision to vote Yes. We don't often talk politics, as we're pretty much diametrically opposite in our views, but having a calm discussion with her helped me to remember that Yes voters had their reasons. In fact, the more Yes-voting friends I asked, the more I realised that there were as many reasons for voting Yes as there were Yes-voters.
I still think they were, and are, utterly wrong, but it has allowed me to remain friends with them. I couldn’t have borne it if I had felt I needed to cut my sister out of my life.
I am going about my business now trying to think and act the way you are describing. Trying to understand my neighbor and trying to promote community. But as someone right in the thick of it, with a black extended family, I know this is going to hurt a lot of people that I love, including my mixed race daughter. When republican white women vote for abortion rights but not for Harris, it says everything. The root cause is racism. And we all have to call it out, or it will kill us all. Climate action is set back, civil rights as well. The rich will get richer and the rest will become poorer. As an immigrant, I might be deported. As a retiree, my income may be taken away. If Vance becomes president, it will be worse than any Brexit. The root cause is fear, yes, and fear causes racism. Misogyny is horrible, but it is secondary. We may never be able to vote again here
I feel for you, truly. I hope you and your loved ones will not see your fears borne out. There are surely still many good people who will support you and each other.
I’m very sorry your loved ones are hurt by this. Respectfully, I’d like to say that there’s no need to rank racism and misogyny. Both are awful, though I can only personally attest to the damaging effects of misogyny. It’s exhausting and sad to be a second-class citizen in a country that claims to be so advanced, and to live in fear of bodily harm whenever I’m out in public.
But check out 'gerrymandering of voting districts, the rise of white supremacy and christofascism, the hundreds of laws passed nationwide to make voting more difficult in areas where POC live, threats etc since 2016
I swear by journalling. I journal every day to offload, or celebrate, or document, or simply to discover what I'm thinking, and develop those thoughts where I'm hitting a block. And of course, a pleasure, always. Substack is all about connection for me; recognising there are real human beings on the other side of these pixels.
Totally! I was so pleased a couple of years ago, when my husband and I were having coffee with a friend and she swore by the many benefits of journaling. He immediately took up the practice himself -- having seen me do it for years and taken no notice. 😊
Thank you for setting this out so clearly, I absolutely align with you on this👍
It is indeed true that most of us are informed by our same chosen media sources and therefore the polarised echo chambers that exist in the mainstream media feed off and support themselves within their own circles, and shape and bolster our opinions over time. I get the impression that this is even more so the case in the US? (I’m British and live in France).
The reasons for the frankly unexpected landslide victory of DT are obviously multiple, but I can’t help thinking that racism and the ‘testicle deficit’ were decisive factors.
But that’s the result! And the only thing we can truly have power over is ourselves, so I too believe that the only way forward and towards change is through choosing understanding over fear and compassion over anger - easier said than done at times. Here’s hoping that more people can buy into this mindset and find the necessary strength and courage!
Thank you, Carol! When I published this it seemed to land at first with a bit of uncomfortable splat, so I'm glad to have reached you and a few others who resonate with it.
I walked through the town where I live today and frankly it is eerie - I have a presence on the internet because of my work and the unfortunate ease with which people can type casually X is a racist and zero f*cks is helping nothing and no one apart from those fortunate enough to be able to monetise their accounts (successfully) and the platform owners. What a shame eh?!
The platforms at the heart of all this division have so much to answer for, but their owners are seemingly too powerful to be made to answer. I thought the Cambridge Analytica scandal might bring them tumbling down but apparently not. So it is up to us to find a way forward through the mess they have made.
I agree - it is unlikely to be not seeing fears borne out as fears are being borne out all the time. I rather believe that it is not getting any better but that isn't the statement of an depressive, rather an adult!
Words of sanity for insane times. Thank you. My dad also voted for Brexit and died in 2019. We never argued about political beliefs - he was far too gentle a gentleman for that - but In a conversation we had a few months before he died, he actually apologized to me. He said, "I'm sorry I've left you with this. I meant to vote out the economic union, not this...shitshow."
Thank you, Fiona. I'm really glad you got to have that conversation with your dad before he died. That must have helped a bit. Even if we still have to deal with the shitshow!
YES. This is so, so true. I'm appalled by how the election turned out, but I was beyond shocked to see the vitriol with which many people have been condemning *all* Trump voters. Of course he's a liar, a sex pest, a racist, a rapist, but while some will have voted out of spite and racism, the majority just can't see what alternative the left is offering them. They took the easy option. While the fascists operate in a world of easy moral absolutes, the left have to deal with compromise between many different progressive arguments, and that compromise is not always an easy sell. Only a minority voted for Brexit because they hate immigrants. They voted for Brexit because, for a range of reasons, they wanted change and they were told the change would be an improvement. They didn't understand the repercussions, and many of them are now desperately regretting that choice. They will have to live with their part in it. We can't say "go and vote, but you've got to vote like me or you're a moron". That's *not* supporting democracy. The majority of American's voted for change, and by God are they are going to get it. I think many Trump voters will come to regret it on their own terms soon enough.
Thank you for this, Ros. I've been thinking along the same lines myself. Just before the US election I watched a documentary on MAGA with my oldest daughter. We were actually just channel hopping and then we got stuck. It was fascinating and I'm so glad we found it because all of a sudden I understood why people voted for Trump, which I hadn't done before. And I needed to understand. It meant that I was neither shocked not upset when he won, because I expected it to happen. All we can do now is listen to each other, to keep trying to understand, to be kind and work from ground-level up for change, because telling other people they're idiots is never going to make for a better world.
Understanding each other, and *especially* making the effort to try and understand behavious that make no sense to us, is such a vital part of mending these divisions rather than perpetuating them. Or at least not feeling utterly confused, or fearful, or angry -- since feeling terrible is only going be detrimental to us, not to those who voted for DT.
I absolutely choose joy during this time. For years, the spectre of politics loomed over every conversation, and I refuse to let that happen again. Instead, I am taking direct action against what I oppose through positive, joyous connection: hosting a neighborhood vegan barbeque to talk about electric cars, hosting a climate optimist brunch to show off some plant-based food options, and hosting climate action hours where we reach out to our representatives. Action is the antidote to anxiety, and community is the antidote to tribalism.
I also aim to listen to people's feelings and try to have genuine conversations with people on "the other side." A meat producer once told me I was the "nicest vegan he'd ever met," likely because I didn't approach him with the attitude of a snarky teenager. There's the reality of the world, and the world I'd like to see. I work to build that world, and in reality I work with what I've got. Thanks for all your sharing, Ros.
Wonderful, Gia. I love that. And I know plenty of people won't understand that, as they will be far, far from joy; it won't be a choice they feel able to make. Like you, no matter what happens, I do the work that will bring me back to joy. And I love the positive actions you are taking, beautiful. Keep doing what you do. Thank you so much for being a agent for positive change.
Ros, those of us who have trans children and/or ties to desperate immigrants simply can’t feel compassion for those who don’t want them to exist. I fall into both those categories. I am exhausted from the rage, and in my view it is not a useful political exercise, but what’s happened here is far bigger than Brexit. I’m not trying for the gold medal in the Olympics of Suffering - just offering something to think about to a writer I admire.
I know it’s much bigger than Brexit. I say so in the piece. I do understand what’s at stake. But from a personal perspective I know one pays a very high price for staying fearful or angry. It’s damaging to the psyche and also physical health. I feel sure you and your loved ones deserve emotional relief, even when the political landscape looks set against you. Of course take any necessary actions to keep yourself safe. But rational and productive responses can be difficult to access from a state of anger or fear. This is just self-care, in essence. But from there, you are better equipped to make a positive difference.
Love this Ros, thank you. Especially the point about reducing anxiety. One of my first thoughts after the election result was that any prosocial activism is now the most important thing, regardless of the larger issue we are trying to address. And I think that activism probably looks very different to the more familiar rage driven fight back approach. Thanks for getting the cogs in my head turning!
Thanks, Gillian. Yes, prosocial activism, and really anything we can do to improve connection and communication rather than division. Fighting begets fighting. Fear and rage is what got us here. Let's start doing something radically different.
This is a nice sentiment, but for a huge portion of the electorate this is naïve. For example, when I tried to calmly reason with my brother about how voting for the GOP would hurt me, himself, and other people, he called me a “fascist communist marxist” and every insult he could imagine. I also learned that he wanted to initiate the apocalypse and kill millions of people as part of a holy war. Not everyone on the “other side” is operating with a full set. Far from it. Democracy only functions when people are not (excuse my non-PC language) mentally retarded.
Thanks for commenting, Alexa. I think you might have misunderstood the intention here. It is not about changing anyone's mind except yours. We can't do anything about what other people think or feel. Only what we think or feel. Yes, there are plenty of people around who are utterly unhinged, and it is not worth trying to rationalise with them. But if we do our own emotional processing for the anger and grief and disempowerment we feel, we will be better equipped to operate calmly and rationaliy in a crazy world.... and not make ourselves ill with the stress of it.
That is a good point. I don't really try to convince by argument anymore, as I have never seen it persuade anyone. The attempt to make my brother understand the harm he would do to me was of course pointless, since he was more concerned with making sure that a group of people on the other side of the world would be killed than supporting himself or his relatives. I am a human being and while I have gone through many stages of spiritual development, I am completely enraged at the current moment of history and at how unfathomably stupid and greedy so many Americans and other people around the world are. We are committing suicide as a species and I am starting to think we deserve extinction. Am I ill or am I suffering from an excess of sanity?
I would say you are perfectly sane in your response. It is entirely reasonable to be enraged by what is going on. But staying enraged isn’t good for your health long term so if you want to care for yourself in a way your brother is incapable of doing then finding a method to release that rage would be a loving thing to do for yourself.
Thanks for this Ros. This approach resonates with me very strongly. It's not passive or rolling over and taking it - you seem to be arguing for another way of perceiving, beyond polarities. (Am thinking this non-polarised thought has much in common with post-modern feminist theory as well as mindful/contemplative practice) It doesn't mean one can't challenge damaging behaviours and argue and act for change. As you argue, to continue in the 'them & us ' rage simply perpetuates current divisiveness & works in favour of those who benefit from this way of thinking. Aint easy - but it is for me an act of resistance to the prevailing darkness.
Yes, exactly, Pepe.
My first reaction after shock was a realisation that the journals I typically read in the UK, The Guardian, The Economist plus countless balanced US media commentators on YouTube were miles away from the true groundswell of sentiment found in some parts of the US. Whether it was pro Trump, anti-Biden/Harris, or just racism, the result was nothing like the predicted close call.
Instead what we see, from a distance at least, is turkeys voting for Christmas. It's like Sunderland in the UK voting for Brexit despite the Nissan car plant being one of the biggest employers in the town.
I hope the Democratic leaning states offer some sort of protection from the worst travails of the next president, the Republican party disowns MAGA and Musk is on Mars for good.
I know. It was so like Brexit in that regard. Everyone tell you it was going to be one thing and then? it really wasn't. That's what you get from the media being as polarised and 'bubbled-off' as the populace. Now we just have to sit through the consequences.
I can't help but think Americans have been duped by yet another abuser & coercive controller.
The metaphor is apt.
I still remember waking up to the result of the Brexit referendum, and feeling utterly hollow. I couldn't even summon up anger - I was just numb.
I knew my sister had voted for it so, while my son raged, I was in conversation with my sister, trying to get to the heart of her decision to vote Yes. We don't often talk politics, as we're pretty much diametrically opposite in our views, but having a calm discussion with her helped me to remember that Yes voters had their reasons. In fact, the more Yes-voting friends I asked, the more I realised that there were as many reasons for voting Yes as there were Yes-voters.
I still think they were, and are, utterly wrong, but it has allowed me to remain friends with them. I couldn’t have borne it if I had felt I needed to cut my sister out of my life.
No, that would be too much. I'm so glad you found a way to rebuilt the bridge with your sister.
I am going about my business now trying to think and act the way you are describing. Trying to understand my neighbor and trying to promote community. But as someone right in the thick of it, with a black extended family, I know this is going to hurt a lot of people that I love, including my mixed race daughter. When republican white women vote for abortion rights but not for Harris, it says everything. The root cause is racism. And we all have to call it out, or it will kill us all. Climate action is set back, civil rights as well. The rich will get richer and the rest will become poorer. As an immigrant, I might be deported. As a retiree, my income may be taken away. If Vance becomes president, it will be worse than any Brexit. The root cause is fear, yes, and fear causes racism. Misogyny is horrible, but it is secondary. We may never be able to vote again here
I feel for you, truly. I hope you and your loved ones will not see your fears borne out. There are surely still many good people who will support you and each other.
I do think this is a dire result, sadly.
Although not for D T and the people he likes to do business with...!!!
I’m very sorry your loved ones are hurt by this. Respectfully, I’d like to say that there’s no need to rank racism and misogyny. Both are awful, though I can only personally attest to the damaging effects of misogyny. It’s exhausting and sad to be a second-class citizen in a country that claims to be so advanced, and to live in fear of bodily harm whenever I’m out in public.
only ranking as it relates to election results
I'd like to see that analysis, but also would be surprised if there is any this early.
But check out 'gerrymandering of voting districts, the rise of white supremacy and christofascism, the hundreds of laws passed nationwide to make voting more difficult in areas where POC live, threats etc since 2016
You won't find it. It comes from lived experience. It's there if you just scratch the surface. Brexit was about racism too
Love this - “Yet look at an angry person, and what you’re really seeing is a fearful person.” Words to live by.
My go-to for clearing anger and fear is journaling. I always gain clarify by freewriting whatever’s on my heart. And physical activity, like running.
Thanks for the convo the other day on your chat. It really helped.
I swear by journalling. I journal every day to offload, or celebrate, or document, or simply to discover what I'm thinking, and develop those thoughts where I'm hitting a block. And of course, a pleasure, always. Substack is all about connection for me; recognising there are real human beings on the other side of these pixels.
Totally! I was so pleased a couple of years ago, when my husband and I were having coffee with a friend and she swore by the many benefits of journaling. He immediately took up the practice himself -- having seen me do it for years and taken no notice. 😊
Thank you for setting this out so clearly, I absolutely align with you on this👍
It is indeed true that most of us are informed by our same chosen media sources and therefore the polarised echo chambers that exist in the mainstream media feed off and support themselves within their own circles, and shape and bolster our opinions over time. I get the impression that this is even more so the case in the US? (I’m British and live in France).
The reasons for the frankly unexpected landslide victory of DT are obviously multiple, but I can’t help thinking that racism and the ‘testicle deficit’ were decisive factors.
But that’s the result! And the only thing we can truly have power over is ourselves, so I too believe that the only way forward and towards change is through choosing understanding over fear and compassion over anger - easier said than done at times. Here’s hoping that more people can buy into this mindset and find the necessary strength and courage!
Thank you, Mercedes. I am so grateful to find some like-minded voices.
Yes Ros ypu have nailed it!
Thank you, Carol! When I published this it seemed to land at first with a bit of uncomfortable splat, so I'm glad to have reached you and a few others who resonate with it.
I walked through the town where I live today and frankly it is eerie - I have a presence on the internet because of my work and the unfortunate ease with which people can type casually X is a racist and zero f*cks is helping nothing and no one apart from those fortunate enough to be able to monetise their accounts (successfully) and the platform owners. What a shame eh?!
The platforms at the heart of all this division have so much to answer for, but their owners are seemingly too powerful to be made to answer. I thought the Cambridge Analytica scandal might bring them tumbling down but apparently not. So it is up to us to find a way forward through the mess they have made.
I agree - it is unlikely to be not seeing fears borne out as fears are being borne out all the time. I rather believe that it is not getting any better but that isn't the statement of an depressive, rather an adult!
Words of sanity for insane times. Thank you. My dad also voted for Brexit and died in 2019. We never argued about political beliefs - he was far too gentle a gentleman for that - but In a conversation we had a few months before he died, he actually apologized to me. He said, "I'm sorry I've left you with this. I meant to vote out the economic union, not this...shitshow."
Thank you, Fiona. I'm really glad you got to have that conversation with your dad before he died. That must have helped a bit. Even if we still have to deal with the shitshow!
YES. This is so, so true. I'm appalled by how the election turned out, but I was beyond shocked to see the vitriol with which many people have been condemning *all* Trump voters. Of course he's a liar, a sex pest, a racist, a rapist, but while some will have voted out of spite and racism, the majority just can't see what alternative the left is offering them. They took the easy option. While the fascists operate in a world of easy moral absolutes, the left have to deal with compromise between many different progressive arguments, and that compromise is not always an easy sell. Only a minority voted for Brexit because they hate immigrants. They voted for Brexit because, for a range of reasons, they wanted change and they were told the change would be an improvement. They didn't understand the repercussions, and many of them are now desperately regretting that choice. They will have to live with their part in it. We can't say "go and vote, but you've got to vote like me or you're a moron". That's *not* supporting democracy. The majority of American's voted for change, and by God are they are going to get it. I think many Trump voters will come to regret it on their own terms soon enough.
Thank you, Tom. A very eloquent and well-informed response. We need more of this.
Thank you for this, Ros. I've been thinking along the same lines myself. Just before the US election I watched a documentary on MAGA with my oldest daughter. We were actually just channel hopping and then we got stuck. It was fascinating and I'm so glad we found it because all of a sudden I understood why people voted for Trump, which I hadn't done before. And I needed to understand. It meant that I was neither shocked not upset when he won, because I expected it to happen. All we can do now is listen to each other, to keep trying to understand, to be kind and work from ground-level up for change, because telling other people they're idiots is never going to make for a better world.
Understanding each other, and *especially* making the effort to try and understand behavious that make no sense to us, is such a vital part of mending these divisions rather than perpetuating them. Or at least not feeling utterly confused, or fearful, or angry -- since feeling terrible is only going be detrimental to us, not to those who voted for DT.
I absolutely choose joy during this time. For years, the spectre of politics loomed over every conversation, and I refuse to let that happen again. Instead, I am taking direct action against what I oppose through positive, joyous connection: hosting a neighborhood vegan barbeque to talk about electric cars, hosting a climate optimist brunch to show off some plant-based food options, and hosting climate action hours where we reach out to our representatives. Action is the antidote to anxiety, and community is the antidote to tribalism.
I also aim to listen to people's feelings and try to have genuine conversations with people on "the other side." A meat producer once told me I was the "nicest vegan he'd ever met," likely because I didn't approach him with the attitude of a snarky teenager. There's the reality of the world, and the world I'd like to see. I work to build that world, and in reality I work with what I've got. Thanks for all your sharing, Ros.
Wonderful, Gia. I love that. And I know plenty of people won't understand that, as they will be far, far from joy; it won't be a choice they feel able to make. Like you, no matter what happens, I do the work that will bring me back to joy. And I love the positive actions you are taking, beautiful. Keep doing what you do. Thank you so much for being a agent for positive change.
Ros, those of us who have trans children and/or ties to desperate immigrants simply can’t feel compassion for those who don’t want them to exist. I fall into both those categories. I am exhausted from the rage, and in my view it is not a useful political exercise, but what’s happened here is far bigger than Brexit. I’m not trying for the gold medal in the Olympics of Suffering - just offering something to think about to a writer I admire.
I know it’s much bigger than Brexit. I say so in the piece. I do understand what’s at stake. But from a personal perspective I know one pays a very high price for staying fearful or angry. It’s damaging to the psyche and also physical health. I feel sure you and your loved ones deserve emotional relief, even when the political landscape looks set against you. Of course take any necessary actions to keep yourself safe. But rational and productive responses can be difficult to access from a state of anger or fear. This is just self-care, in essence. But from there, you are better equipped to make a positive difference.
Love this Ros, thank you. Especially the point about reducing anxiety. One of my first thoughts after the election result was that any prosocial activism is now the most important thing, regardless of the larger issue we are trying to address. And I think that activism probably looks very different to the more familiar rage driven fight back approach. Thanks for getting the cogs in my head turning!
Thanks, Gillian. Yes, prosocial activism, and really anything we can do to improve connection and communication rather than division. Fighting begets fighting. Fear and rage is what got us here. Let's start doing something radically different.