For the Love of Christmas, Be Your Own Santa

A reformed Grinch shares some tips

If you don’t read this post because you’re too busy having a lovely time doing whatever you do at this time of year, that’s great.

But I also know it’s a terrible time of year to be dealing with grief or loneliness, and if that’s you, I wanted to say Hi, I understand, and this is a gift.

For all the years that I was very unhappy (aged 8 to 36), Christmas was a time of extra misery. The worst thing about it is that you’re meant to be happy, and other people’s happiness can make you feel envious and bleak, especially those gatherings glimpsed through early evening windows and the Christmas advert families. In the dark years, though I longed for entertainment to fill the void, the TV, in particular, was full of happiness landmines. Constant reminders of all I didn’t have.

There isn’t a worse time to be in pain, and it’s exacerbated by the fact that so many people who might have been good company retreat into their families.

Childhood Christmases, once my parents split up, just intensified and highlighted all that was false and distorted. Christmases in early adulthood just kept throwing me back into that pot. Once I had my own family, it was in an abusive marriage where Christmas seemed little more than a stressful tsunami of additional tasks imposed on me purely because I was born with a womb and ovaries.

I learned to love this season after falling for someone who loves it so thoroughly that he is known to my children as Mr Christmas, decorates the house to within an inch of its wall space, injecting every day with joy and a 30-hour zero-repeat playlist. I realise “fall for a Christmas lover” is not a tip I can share. But I can share some of those things that I learned as I was finding my way out of the darkness.

Be Your Own Saviour

You don’t have to believe in the birth of Christ the Saviour to feel the magic of Christmas. You can decide to be your own saviour.

Write a list of things you would like to be forgiven for. Stand in front of a mirror. Say each thing aloud, and after each one, say, with as much meaning as you can muster, “I forgive you.” Maybe it’s hard. Maybe there are tears. But maybe you actually can forgive yourself, even just a little bit. You can say, “You were doing the best you could at the time with the resources you had available.” It’s even stronger if you combine it with EFT tapping. On the other side of self-condemnation is relief and lightness. Put down your burdens. It’s time to be free of them.

Make a list of things you are grateful for. These can be really small. At my lowest, I gave thanks for the roof over my head and clean drinking water at the turn of a tap. These are not small details when you remember how many people in the world are without them. If parts of you are hurting, give thanks for the parts of you that aren’t. If you have lost people, give thanks that you knew them and loved them and that they loved you. It’s easy to focus on what we don’t have (and cause ourselves pain), but there is so much we take for granted that is a blessing.

Be Your Own Santa

You don’t have to believe in Santa Claus to make this time of year magical and restorative. You can be your own Santa. We all know Santa makes lists, so…

Make a list of things you like about yourself. Find just a few. Let’s say six. Write them out. Say them aloud to yourself in a mirror. This is a gift that is better than socks. Better even than wine, the gift of liking yourself. Loving yourself is a great goal, too, but most of us have to work up to it, so start with what you like.

Handmade by the author

Give yourself the gift of a more festive physical environment. Decorations are more meaningful if you can make them. I made a crochet Christmas tree this year. One year, when I was just emerging from my Bleak Midwinter habit, I made salt-dough Christmas mice. Old-fashioned paper chains are great if you can get them. If you’ve no cash for a tree, you can make something from snippings of fronds and branches you can find on a walk.

Light a candle, even if it’s the cheapest household candle or tealight, and make a soothing hot chocolate or whatever warm drink you prefer (I love mulled wine, recipe below) and cup it in your hands. A candle symbolises the light that continues to burn inside you, even in the dark times: hope. It’s okay to have hope. Life is change, and positive change is always possible if you cultivate the ground it can grow in. These practices cultivate that ground.

Wishing you peace, joy and love in the days ahead, however you spend them.

My mulled wine recipe: half and half cheap red wine and orange juice. For every bottle of wine add a tablespoon of brown sugar and a mulled wine spice bag (I favour Schwartz, which are a bit like teabags). Optional extras: a dollop of brandy, sliced oranges, sliced apples. Heat until steaming but don’t boil.