This was the most powerfully moving piece I’ve read in a long time, Ros. I’m thrilled for you that you came to this realization. I’m going to do some deep soul-searching today,
This hit like a freight train wrapped in poetry. The weight of loss, the silent contracts we make with ourselves, the way grief can shape us into something we never intended but somehow still became. It’s staggering how one moment—one vow—can echo through decades and how undoing it can feel like opening a door we didn’t realize we locked.
There’s something powerful about this timing, though. The slow burn of realization, the years spent gathering skills, understanding, and perspective—maybe that’s what was needed to make this release truly stick. Because thriving now, with all of this hard-won wisdom? That’s a different kind of thriving. The kind that carries weight.
So here’s to the tug of the pull-pin. To love that endures, to thriving without guilt, and to finally stepping into the life waiting on the other side.
Oh Ros. Bloody hell. That’s made me weep, and bereaved sister to bereaved sister, oh God I know this. I know the forging forwards, keeping busy, dragging the strands of a successful career with you until the rope burns run too deep and you have to let go. I did the child rearing, the Masters, the full time job as bread winner whilst ignoring depression and refusing to grieve my brother’s death by hospital malpractice, until it all cracked. Walking away from my air traffic control career finally after twenty years, and selling my house. I don’t really use LinkedIn anymore (!) but that transition has been immense. The line to my former world, connections, income…now so frayed. Now I write, and unexpectedly my brother became the heart of my first book. I never saw that coming. I want to give you the biggest hug in the world. Just the biggest. I ache for your 14 year old self and for everything we carry. Much love ❤️
Oh Emma, I feel this so deeply, I am with you. Until the rope burns run too deep. Yes. No wonder he is at the heart of your book; of course. We write what we need to heal. Much love to you. 💔 ❤️🩹❤️
I think I know how difficult this must have been to write. It's beautiful, and very moving. The tapping is working to stabilize me. Thanks again. On top of anxiety meds, it's icing on the cake. My tapping chant feels silly compared to yours, but it'll do for now: "I choose to dig myself, and I deserve to feel groovy."
Your balancing statement is great, Carl, don’t knock it! Yes, it was very difficult to write. I wept a lot. There was a lot of tapping! But it felt good to write it too. To get it all down in the most complete form yet. To honour him. Thank you. I had a really good Valentine’s Day.
It's just occurred to me, in the shower of all places, if Peter liked Gang of Four, we would have gotten along famously. I think I saw them live but seeing as it's over 50 years ago, I'm going to have to Google it. I heard 'essence rare' not long ago and was reminded how great they were. Like a symphony of dentist drills, [in a good way]. Anyway, that bit was heartbreaking. What a life he would have lived
Indeed. And I often imagine it. Only last year I tracked down some Gang of Four. "To Hell With Poverty" was the one I heard through the wall most often. That bassline. Incredible music in that era.
Ros this is painfully beautiful. Although I haven’t lost someone close to me like this, I really felt you in the pact with your brother - that you wouldn’t get over it, until you transformed this with the remembrance of love and that he’d want you to thrive.
I had a huge breakthrough recently, a similar sort of ‘pact’ I uncovered with my mother from childhood.
Thank you, Sarina. How good to hear that you too recently uncovered a pact from your childhood. Such big breakthroughs come from undoing them, because they work like silent, unbending rules.
I've followed you on LinkedIn (which I also dislike). This piece hit so many points of connection that I had to even though I never look at it on a Sunday. Thank you.
Thank you so much. A close friend, older than you told me how the day of her Dad's funeral as a child, she went to school as normal and came home from the funeral as the wake was ending. I always found that heartbreaking as did I your story. On a seperate note I have just finished reading Adam Farrers book which is partly about his brother and his brothers suicide. I love your tenderness to your brother and Adams to his. I have no idea any more what success is except to be suspicious of the pressure it puts on us but I do like kindness and love for those around us. I wish I didn't listen to the news
This gutted me. When I read it, I thought of my own survivor's guilt and how I, too, made a pact with myself. Mine was less a vow never to recover and more an acknowledgment that I wasn't and would never be worthy. This sort of grief feels like a twisted form of love, but it's not—it's the opposite. I'm so glad you realised you were holding onto this old, tired pact. I am sure Peter is cheering you on.
Emma, I thought I had replied to this, I must have lost my connection. I hope you dropped your pact too. Because you are *totally* worthy. We are all inherently worthy of life, love and thriving.
Yes, this holding on to grief so painfully is the opposite of love. Peter would *absolutely* want me, want all of his siblings, to thrive. And yet I know his twin, my remaining brother, was also totally bent out of shape by what happened then; talk about survivor guilt.
All of us who survived felt unworthy of being still on the earth when he wasn't but his twin especially. It made no sense to us that of all of us, he was the one "chosen" by cancer. But in time, I have found different ways to think about it. Yet this pact remained, unseen.
Since I dropped it, close to a fortnight ago, some very interesting things have started shifting in a positive direction.
Thanks for the kind reply, Ros! I have dropped my pact, yes. Thanks goodness, because it was a horrible pact that survived no one, least of all Emily.
Peter’s death must have been unimaginable for his twin. There really doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to cancer. Though I will say, I’ve notice through my advocacy work that a lot of people with cancer are incredibly kind.
I’m happy to hear that exciting things are happening for you since you discovered—and dropped—your pact. Excited to hear more in the future! 🙏🙌
I agree with you about the kindness of people who get cancer. And in terms of what I and other ‘tappers’ have learned in somatic work as an EFT therapist there is a theory about that which holds water, I think - though probably better for an article than a comment.
I saw GO4 in Austin, TX early November, 1980, just after Reagan was elected. As it happens, they're making a farewell tour this year. I hope to go see/hear them. Cheers
Thank you Ros, for making this discovery and sharing it with all of us. I had a wave of emotions bottled inside me today and you helped me get them out. Better than chopping onions. Thank you 🙏
That's so fantastic to hear. Thank you for sharing this, Sara. Yes, chopping onions doesn't really cut it (ha ha, sorry) when it comes to emotional release.
"Quite hard to read" and also "really enjoyed thank you" -- you're my kind of person! I found it pretty hard to write, too. Sobbed most of the way through the first half. Reading it aloud, in particular, really hurt.
This was the most powerfully moving piece I’ve read in a long time, Ros. I’m thrilled for you that you came to this realization. I’m going to do some deep soul-searching today,
Thank you, Chris. I hope you find something juicy.
I'll be here beside you, and hope your burdens ease.
Thank you, Ofifoto ❤️
Ros,
This hit like a freight train wrapped in poetry. The weight of loss, the silent contracts we make with ourselves, the way grief can shape us into something we never intended but somehow still became. It’s staggering how one moment—one vow—can echo through decades and how undoing it can feel like opening a door we didn’t realize we locked.
There’s something powerful about this timing, though. The slow burn of realization, the years spent gathering skills, understanding, and perspective—maybe that’s what was needed to make this release truly stick. Because thriving now, with all of this hard-won wisdom? That’s a different kind of thriving. The kind that carries weight.
So here’s to the tug of the pull-pin. To love that endures, to thriving without guilt, and to finally stepping into the life waiting on the other side.
Tom
What a beautifully written response, Tom. “Like opening a door we didn’t realise we locked.“ Yes. And yes, the timing feels perfect. Thank you.
Oh Ros. Bloody hell. That’s made me weep, and bereaved sister to bereaved sister, oh God I know this. I know the forging forwards, keeping busy, dragging the strands of a successful career with you until the rope burns run too deep and you have to let go. I did the child rearing, the Masters, the full time job as bread winner whilst ignoring depression and refusing to grieve my brother’s death by hospital malpractice, until it all cracked. Walking away from my air traffic control career finally after twenty years, and selling my house. I don’t really use LinkedIn anymore (!) but that transition has been immense. The line to my former world, connections, income…now so frayed. Now I write, and unexpectedly my brother became the heart of my first book. I never saw that coming. I want to give you the biggest hug in the world. Just the biggest. I ache for your 14 year old self and for everything we carry. Much love ❤️
Oh Emma, I feel this so deeply, I am with you. Until the rope burns run too deep. Yes. No wonder he is at the heart of your book; of course. We write what we need to heal. Much love to you. 💔 ❤️🩹❤️
❤️❤️❤️
I think I know how difficult this must have been to write. It's beautiful, and very moving. The tapping is working to stabilize me. Thanks again. On top of anxiety meds, it's icing on the cake. My tapping chant feels silly compared to yours, but it'll do for now: "I choose to dig myself, and I deserve to feel groovy."
Happy Valentine's Day
💖 💛 ❤️ 💖 💛 ❤️ 💖
Your balancing statement is great, Carl, don’t knock it! Yes, it was very difficult to write. I wept a lot. There was a lot of tapping! But it felt good to write it too. To get it all down in the most complete form yet. To honour him. Thank you. I had a really good Valentine’s Day.
It's just occurred to me, in the shower of all places, if Peter liked Gang of Four, we would have gotten along famously. I think I saw them live but seeing as it's over 50 years ago, I'm going to have to Google it. I heard 'essence rare' not long ago and was reminded how great they were. Like a symphony of dentist drills, [in a good way]. Anyway, that bit was heartbreaking. What a life he would have lived
Indeed. And I often imagine it. Only last year I tracked down some Gang of Four. "To Hell With Poverty" was the one I heard through the wall most often. That bassline. Incredible music in that era.
Hellfire.
Gobsmacked.
Awed and inspired.
Big love to you, Matthew. Thanks for saying so and thanks for sharing it.
Ros this is painfully beautiful. Although I haven’t lost someone close to me like this, I really felt you in the pact with your brother - that you wouldn’t get over it, until you transformed this with the remembrance of love and that he’d want you to thrive.
I had a huge breakthrough recently, a similar sort of ‘pact’ I uncovered with my mother from childhood.
Thank you for your writing 🤍
Thank you, Sarina. How good to hear that you too recently uncovered a pact from your childhood. Such big breakthroughs come from undoing them, because they work like silent, unbending rules.
That’s exactly how they work 🤍
I cried for Peter and for you.
I cried copiously while writing it. Thank you for joining your tears with mine, Bill.
I felt your anxiety, as I'm going through it now, with my brother struggling w/ severe alcoholism.
I'm so sorry to hear this, Joy. Every person we love is a possible source of deep grief. And yet we wouldn't be without people to love, would we?
Gosh, what a breakthrough 👏🏻🤍! Shine your light and enjoy thriving!
Thank you, Adina! Yes, and I'm really feeling different this week as a result. Such a joy to get a breakthrough like that.
I've followed you on LinkedIn (which I also dislike). This piece hit so many points of connection that I had to even though I never look at it on a Sunday. Thank you.
Thanks Wendy. And thanks for the LinkedIn connection. It's good to feel slightly less lonely over there.
It just makes me feel like I'm odd, and I'm fed up of that!!
Thank you so much. A close friend, older than you told me how the day of her Dad's funeral as a child, she went to school as normal and came home from the funeral as the wake was ending. I always found that heartbreaking as did I your story. On a seperate note I have just finished reading Adam Farrers book which is partly about his brother and his brothers suicide. I love your tenderness to your brother and Adams to his. I have no idea any more what success is except to be suspicious of the pressure it puts on us but I do like kindness and love for those around us. I wish I didn't listen to the news
You can stop listening to the news, Graham. Treat it like smoking or any other toxic addiction! Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
Love to you ❤️
Thanks, Donna.
This gutted me. When I read it, I thought of my own survivor's guilt and how I, too, made a pact with myself. Mine was less a vow never to recover and more an acknowledgment that I wasn't and would never be worthy. This sort of grief feels like a twisted form of love, but it's not—it's the opposite. I'm so glad you realised you were holding onto this old, tired pact. I am sure Peter is cheering you on.
Emma, I thought I had replied to this, I must have lost my connection. I hope you dropped your pact too. Because you are *totally* worthy. We are all inherently worthy of life, love and thriving.
Yes, this holding on to grief so painfully is the opposite of love. Peter would *absolutely* want me, want all of his siblings, to thrive. And yet I know his twin, my remaining brother, was also totally bent out of shape by what happened then; talk about survivor guilt.
All of us who survived felt unworthy of being still on the earth when he wasn't but his twin especially. It made no sense to us that of all of us, he was the one "chosen" by cancer. But in time, I have found different ways to think about it. Yet this pact remained, unseen.
Since I dropped it, close to a fortnight ago, some very interesting things have started shifting in a positive direction.
Thanks for the kind reply, Ros! I have dropped my pact, yes. Thanks goodness, because it was a horrible pact that survived no one, least of all Emily.
Peter’s death must have been unimaginable for his twin. There really doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to cancer. Though I will say, I’ve notice through my advocacy work that a lot of people with cancer are incredibly kind.
I’m happy to hear that exciting things are happening for you since you discovered—and dropped—your pact. Excited to hear more in the future! 🙏🙌
I agree with you about the kindness of people who get cancer. And in terms of what I and other ‘tappers’ have learned in somatic work as an EFT therapist there is a theory about that which holds water, I think - though probably better for an article than a comment.
Oo please write an article on this! I’d love to read.
I really need to watch your video on tapping basics and give it a go! It really seems like something I’d like!
Yes, do! And let me know what you think!
I will! xx
I saw GO4 in Austin, TX early November, 1980, just after Reagan was elected. As it happens, they're making a farewell tour this year. I hope to go see/hear them. Cheers
Thanks for the heads up! I have just found their London date, June 24th in Kentish Town. Now I just need to find a friend to go with!
Thank you Ros, for making this discovery and sharing it with all of us. I had a wave of emotions bottled inside me today and you helped me get them out. Better than chopping onions. Thank you 🙏
That's so fantastic to hear. Thank you for sharing this, Sara. Yes, chopping onions doesn't really cut it (ha ha, sorry) when it comes to emotional release.
I did genuinely find this all quite hard to read, really enjoyed thank you ❤️
"Quite hard to read" and also "really enjoyed thank you" -- you're my kind of person! I found it pretty hard to write, too. Sobbed most of the way through the first half. Reading it aloud, in particular, really hurt.