I’ve only recently discovered your writing and story and very glad I did. The biggest lie I ever told myself went on from my childhood until I was 44 - that I could have a healthy and loving relationship with my mother. I stopped telling it in 2017 and my life has since been transformed!
Oh, we want that one so badly. And sometimes it just isn't possible. It's a hard lie to let go of. So well done. I'm really glad you were able to tell the truth to yourself, no matter how painful it was. Not as painful, I'm guessing, as continuing with the lie.
Yes exactly. It had to stop. As did my relationship with her if I was ever to be healthy and happy. It was so hard to walk away but it has been the best thing for me.
I walked away last year from a toxic relationship that had spanned 25 years. She was my best friend for the longest time. But for 10 years it had been full of pain, for me, and I eventually had to accept that my old best friend was never coming back. I still grieve the loss of the friend I had but she doesn't exist (even though someone who looks just like her lives in her house ten miles away).
That’s hard. Sorry you lost your friend. But toxic definitely has to be kept away from. Love, compassion and kindness are what we need to align with. And fun!
I admire you so much for telling this story. I was in a psychology abusive marriage in my twenties, and it took me a long, long time to admit the shame I felt for having put up with it and then more time to stop being ashamed. I hope that what you’ve written will help someone pack their things and head for the exit.
Me too. I am chiefly writing for that purpose. It is easy to be tricked when you are a good/innocent person, assuming the best. I already know of someone packing her bags because of my recent pieces.
She really needed one, too! I hope it will reach a few of them. Actually I make it has reached at least one, who emailed me to say the penny has dropped about the marriage she is in. But it would be nice to help one or two divert from disaster.
I’m glad you made it out of that relationship eventually! And yes, what is that redemption part? Telling your story and also, as parents, we can tell our children: not all that glitters is gold… trust your instincts, it’s okay to say no, try to have honest conversations with your kids and hope they will figure it out better than we did at times.
I learned more valuable lessons from that marriage than almost anything else in my life; that's really the redemption. Once I'd worked through the trauma, I began a much more balanced, self-loving and compassionate person, able to be a good parent to my children, and able to be kind to myself. It drove me to the rock bottom that became my solid foundation, to paraphrase J.K.Rowling. It was awful to live through, but in retrospect, it was a priceless gift. I don't think, at the time, I had the capacity to maintain a relationship with someone who wasn't damaged themselves (since I was a mess) so there's also that. Baptisms of fire have their uses!
My kids father told me loads of little lies over many years - gaslighting style - years later I wondered whether he was actually taking the piss or just making his life easy (i.e. to get his own way).
I have always said I am incurably naive, of late I think it’s due to whatever brain chemicals make up my ADHD brain, but I think that makes us easy prey too.
It took two years to remember who I was after splitting with him. But it’s nice getting older and allowing myself the freedom to be whoever the fuk I want to be on any given day 🤣.
I think my now partner (of the last 14 years) is a tad on the autistic side - although undiagnosed and a highly capable professional in his field - but it means he walks around in his little bubble and I walk around in mine, and neither of us has the inclination to fiddle with each others minds 🤣. Which is kinda nice, if sometimes a bit of a challenge! 😅
I much prefer hanging out with non-manipulators too! You may well be right about us ADHDers being more vulnerable to this kind of thing. Not least because we come out of childhoods where we are very frequently made to feel ‘wrong’.
Ros, this piece has inspired me to write about my previous relationship. I’ve been working on it, putting it away, picking it up again, and again putting it away where it remains an unfinished draft. I don’t quite have the guts to publish it. I’m worried that he’ll see it and know it’s about him (nobody else left me hanging 3 days before my lumpectomy). And of course, the verbal abuse.
I’m sorry you went through all that you did and I’m sorry for all the woman who have gone through similarly horrible experiences. But thank you for putting your story out there — it is empowering women to wake up to their situations and to get out. I hope I have the courage to do the work that you’re doing.
I’m sorry you went through it too, Serena. So many of us do. And I understand the fear too. It took me a long time to process my fear and get to the other side of it so that I could write about this. Yes, I really hope it is empowering and will help some women get out sooner than I did.
Great piece! I grew up in a home with domestic violence. My late dad was the best liar I've ever met. I always knew he was lying (except for one time, and even then, just like you (he's "dangerous"), I had a first thought—my intuition telling me something was off). But he was my dad, and I loved him. So I overlooked and overlooked...most of my life I've overlooked with everyone. Now, although I sometimes resist, I listen to my intuition. Thank you for your story. A great reminder!
Thanks, Jan. It took me *so* long to listen to my intuition. I’d been psychically bashed about by my childhood so I didn’t trust it. Plus when I brought up doubts with people I trusted in the run up to the wedding, they said “Everyone gets cold feet”. I think I will write about the dangerous of that phrase.
I think the path to healing inevitably goes through some rough places. So happy you’re taken your learning and eventually caught the train out of there 🤗💜
Me too! The rough places seem to have been entirely necessary to my growth. I’d rather not have experienced them at the time, yet on the other side I can be grateful for the expanded wisdom they brought me.
Thank you, Yvonne. I’m glad my years of writing practice are proving useful in the cause of something larger than myself. I’m so glad you got out too! Hopefully three years of it didn’t do you lasting harm.
I don’t think it did me lasting harm (other situations that I was in perhaps did, and caused me to be vulnerable to the abusive person).
The weirdest part of it was a sort of doublethink — one part of me knew I was in an abusive relationship, the other part was in deep denial. Luckily I had some friends who I spent a lot of time with who had a good marriage so I could see the contrast. That, and the fact that a lovely guy offered me his spare room, got me out.
Yvonne, I can so relate to this ‘doublethink’ phenomenon. I’m sure I was in that state with my marriage (I found a woman’s sock in his gym bag and told myself god knows what lie to dismiss it), and again with my last relationship which was a verbally abusive one. I’m glad I got out of those relationships. My life is better without them for sure and I’ve learned so much. I’m still sorting myself out from the last one though.
When we are young, we often fail to listen to our intuition. That inner knowing was there all along, but we talk ourselves out of listening to it. As I get older, I try to pay closer attention to what my gut tells me. It sounds like you knew too…but we have to go through these lessons, painful as they are.
Yes! Unfortunately, too many experience this, and many are vulnerable due to upbringing. I have paid my dues also. Escaped and grew volumes, developing the sense of worth that without, left me terribly vulnerable. 💖
The growth is the powerful flip side, isn't it. If we had self-worth in the first place, this wouldn't have happened. So important for all of us to know our true value.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot, Ros. I think you are a very trusting person, and when we trust someone, we can convince ourselves to overlook, and forgive, their misgivings. I also think you are a stronger person than he is; it just took you a while to believe it, and subsequently act on it.
In other news, I finally watched your daughter's birthday “Taskmaster” last night. It was hilarious! What an entertaining bunch you all are!
Yes, I am indeed trusting by nature. But these days it is tempered. Thanks to a few experiences I have trust issues on a number of fronts. But I still want to assume the best of people.
I’m so glad you enjoyed it! I feel so blessed to have so many good and funny people around me. It’s always great when we all get together. Laughing is my favourite activity :-).
I am the same with wanting to see the best in people. I've definitely become more critical with maturity and experience, which is a good thing, I think.
It was fun to see how competitive everyone was, but still supporting each other and enjoying the process. We've said it here before that laughter is great medicine and a wonderful pastime! ☺️
I do admire your honesty about yourself as well as the people who mess you around, and the unfussy precision of your analysis. Very hard to do: congratulations on surviving with style !
“…oh boy, did I need to grow. I needed more than anything to learn my innate value.”
Same, Ros. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. One day, I hope to write about mine. You are definitely right that it is empowering to hear from someone else who has gone through the same thing. 🙏💚
I’ve only recently discovered your writing and story and very glad I did. The biggest lie I ever told myself went on from my childhood until I was 44 - that I could have a healthy and loving relationship with my mother. I stopped telling it in 2017 and my life has since been transformed!
Oh, we want that one so badly. And sometimes it just isn't possible. It's a hard lie to let go of. So well done. I'm really glad you were able to tell the truth to yourself, no matter how painful it was. Not as painful, I'm guessing, as continuing with the lie.
Yes exactly. It had to stop. As did my relationship with her if I was ever to be healthy and happy. It was so hard to walk away but it has been the best thing for me.
I walked away last year from a toxic relationship that had spanned 25 years. She was my best friend for the longest time. But for 10 years it had been full of pain, for me, and I eventually had to accept that my old best friend was never coming back. I still grieve the loss of the friend I had but she doesn't exist (even though someone who looks just like her lives in her house ten miles away).
That’s hard. Sorry you lost your friend. But toxic definitely has to be kept away from. Love, compassion and kindness are what we need to align with. And fun!
I admire you so much for telling this story. I was in a psychology abusive marriage in my twenties, and it took me a long, long time to admit the shame I felt for having put up with it and then more time to stop being ashamed. I hope that what you’ve written will help someone pack their things and head for the exit.
Me too. I am chiefly writing for that purpose. It is easy to be tricked when you are a good/innocent person, assuming the best. I already know of someone packing her bags because of my recent pieces.
As I was reading this I really wanted to give young Ros a hug. There are so many women who would benefit from reading this.
She really needed one, too! I hope it will reach a few of them. Actually I make it has reached at least one, who emailed me to say the penny has dropped about the marriage she is in. But it would be nice to help one or two divert from disaster.
I’m glad you made it out of that relationship eventually! And yes, what is that redemption part? Telling your story and also, as parents, we can tell our children: not all that glitters is gold… trust your instincts, it’s okay to say no, try to have honest conversations with your kids and hope they will figure it out better than we did at times.
I learned more valuable lessons from that marriage than almost anything else in my life; that's really the redemption. Once I'd worked through the trauma, I began a much more balanced, self-loving and compassionate person, able to be a good parent to my children, and able to be kind to myself. It drove me to the rock bottom that became my solid foundation, to paraphrase J.K.Rowling. It was awful to live through, but in retrospect, it was a priceless gift. I don't think, at the time, I had the capacity to maintain a relationship with someone who wasn't damaged themselves (since I was a mess) so there's also that. Baptisms of fire have their uses!
My kids father told me loads of little lies over many years - gaslighting style - years later I wondered whether he was actually taking the piss or just making his life easy (i.e. to get his own way).
I have always said I am incurably naive, of late I think it’s due to whatever brain chemicals make up my ADHD brain, but I think that makes us easy prey too.
It took two years to remember who I was after splitting with him. But it’s nice getting older and allowing myself the freedom to be whoever the fuk I want to be on any given day 🤣.
I think my now partner (of the last 14 years) is a tad on the autistic side - although undiagnosed and a highly capable professional in his field - but it means he walks around in his little bubble and I walk around in mine, and neither of us has the inclination to fiddle with each others minds 🤣. Which is kinda nice, if sometimes a bit of a challenge! 😅
I much prefer hanging out with non-manipulators too! You may well be right about us ADHDers being more vulnerable to this kind of thing. Not least because we come out of childhoods where we are very frequently made to feel ‘wrong’.
Ros, this piece has inspired me to write about my previous relationship. I’ve been working on it, putting it away, picking it up again, and again putting it away where it remains an unfinished draft. I don’t quite have the guts to publish it. I’m worried that he’ll see it and know it’s about him (nobody else left me hanging 3 days before my lumpectomy). And of course, the verbal abuse.
I’m sorry you went through all that you did and I’m sorry for all the woman who have gone through similarly horrible experiences. But thank you for putting your story out there — it is empowering women to wake up to their situations and to get out. I hope I have the courage to do the work that you’re doing.
I’m sorry you went through it too, Serena. So many of us do. And I understand the fear too. It took me a long time to process my fear and get to the other side of it so that I could write about this. Yes, I really hope it is empowering and will help some women get out sooner than I did.
I believe it is doing just that, even if only to spark something inside of them to begin the process.
Great piece! I grew up in a home with domestic violence. My late dad was the best liar I've ever met. I always knew he was lying (except for one time, and even then, just like you (he's "dangerous"), I had a first thought—my intuition telling me something was off). But he was my dad, and I loved him. So I overlooked and overlooked...most of my life I've overlooked with everyone. Now, although I sometimes resist, I listen to my intuition. Thank you for your story. A great reminder!
Thanks, Jan. It took me *so* long to listen to my intuition. I’d been psychically bashed about by my childhood so I didn’t trust it. Plus when I brought up doubts with people I trusted in the run up to the wedding, they said “Everyone gets cold feet”. I think I will write about the dangerous of that phrase.
I think the path to healing inevitably goes through some rough places. So happy you’re taken your learning and eventually caught the train out of there 🤗💜
Me too! The rough places seem to have been entirely necessary to my growth. I’d rather not have experienced them at the time, yet on the other side I can be grateful for the expanded wisdom they brought me.
I was in a verbally abusive relationship for three years in my early twenties. I recognize a lot of the tactics. I’m so glad I got out.
Your writing style is riveting!
Thank you, Yvonne. I’m glad my years of writing practice are proving useful in the cause of something larger than myself. I’m so glad you got out too! Hopefully three years of it didn’t do you lasting harm.
Thank you! I’m glad you got out too.
I don’t think it did me lasting harm (other situations that I was in perhaps did, and caused me to be vulnerable to the abusive person).
The weirdest part of it was a sort of doublethink — one part of me knew I was in an abusive relationship, the other part was in deep denial. Luckily I had some friends who I spent a lot of time with who had a good marriage so I could see the contrast. That, and the fact that a lovely guy offered me his spare room, got me out.
Yvonne, I can so relate to this ‘doublethink’ phenomenon. I’m sure I was in that state with my marriage (I found a woman’s sock in his gym bag and told myself god knows what lie to dismiss it), and again with my last relationship which was a verbally abusive one. I’m glad I got out of those relationships. My life is better without them for sure and I’ve learned so much. I’m still sorting myself out from the last one though.
When we are young, we often fail to listen to our intuition. That inner knowing was there all along, but we talk ourselves out of listening to it. As I get older, I try to pay closer attention to what my gut tells me. It sounds like you knew too…but we have to go through these lessons, painful as they are.
Yes, I definitely had to go through it. Horrible at the time but the benefits (eventually) were profound.
Yes! Unfortunately, too many experience this, and many are vulnerable due to upbringing. I have paid my dues also. Escaped and grew volumes, developing the sense of worth that without, left me terribly vulnerable. 💖
The growth is the powerful flip side, isn't it. If we had self-worth in the first place, this wouldn't have happened. So important for all of us to know our true value.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot, Ros. I think you are a very trusting person, and when we trust someone, we can convince ourselves to overlook, and forgive, their misgivings. I also think you are a stronger person than he is; it just took you a while to believe it, and subsequently act on it.
In other news, I finally watched your daughter's birthday “Taskmaster” last night. It was hilarious! What an entertaining bunch you all are!
Yes, I am indeed trusting by nature. But these days it is tempered. Thanks to a few experiences I have trust issues on a number of fronts. But I still want to assume the best of people.
I’m so glad you enjoyed it! I feel so blessed to have so many good and funny people around me. It’s always great when we all get together. Laughing is my favourite activity :-).
I am the same with wanting to see the best in people. I've definitely become more critical with maturity and experience, which is a good thing, I think.
It was fun to see how competitive everyone was, but still supporting each other and enjoying the process. We've said it here before that laughter is great medicine and a wonderful pastime! ☺️
Wait. What happened next? Did you dump him? Marry him? Is this a sequel?
The clue is in the post I link to at the bottom - and also the post linked from *that one*. There will indeed be more instalments.
Edge of my seat…mirrors too much of who I was for too long. Even though I thought I was tougher than that then. 🩵
Sadly it is a familiar to too many. They are attracted to the ones that are strong, or seem so. Like big game hunters, they want the lion.
I do admire your honesty about yourself as well as the people who mess you around, and the unfussy precision of your analysis. Very hard to do: congratulations on surviving with style !
Thank you, Peter! It has taken decades to get to this level of honesty plus style so I hope I have at least a couple left in which to utilise it:-).
“…oh boy, did I need to grow. I needed more than anything to learn my innate value.”
Same, Ros. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. One day, I hope to write about mine. You are definitely right that it is empowering to hear from someone else who has gone through the same thing. 🙏💚
Let’s make it some kind of pandemic of truth-telling!
Yes! ✍️