That’s kind of you to say, James, and it may be so. I wasn’t always so self-aware, as you can tell from the predicaments I got myself into! Most of my insights have come in the process of releasing trauma using EFT.
Oh yes, the throat problems. In my case I was strangling myself for doing a job I hated, plus feeling stuck in a country I didn't like and in a mindset that was killing me.
That sounds right, ‘strangling myself for doing a job I hated’. The throat is such a vulnerable channel between body and mind. I’ve often felt that the reason this is often the first place I feel emotion is because it’s the physical thing that ‘separates’ body from head (where we consider the mind/thoughts to reside) and I have so often lived in my head (intellect/thinking prioritised over feeling) and shut off from what my body (and specifically my heart) was trying to tell me.
When I worked as a GP I found myself asking ‘why now?’ - especially when a patient presented with an uncommon or complex illness. The answer usually explained a lot - and helped me help more effectively. It took me years to understand this. I’m sorry you had to experience that mind/ body nexus so brutally and personally. But once understood it is never misremembered. Good on you for sharing.
Thank you, Peter. That sounds like a really interesting and useful question for a GP to ask. I imagine that was quite illuminating. As to the rest, there comes a point in one’s life, I think, where it’s worth sharing the knowledge one has accumuulated! And I think a lot more people experience that mind/body nexus than is generally realised.
I can no longer write by 'pushing through'. At 67 I have to wait for the hour or so when it comes very naturally for my self/body. I wite a lot less but better, when There's less mind/body separation.
My father was a surgeon and he decided I should keep my tonsils. They've given me trouble all my life. But what he eventually explained to me was- tonsils are a warning system- stop everything and take care of yourself. Looking back I can understand what he was talking about.
Are you a Taurus? Taurus rules the throat. Great admiration for what you did to get free
I’m glad you kept your tonsils. I’m glad I kept mine too. When I was in hospital with tonsillitis they told me they rarely remove them anymore, because they understand their role in disease prevention better now. Though the person in the bed opposite had indeed had a tonsillectomy and was eating only icecream!
I am not a Taurus, no. And I think my throat rules me, not the other way around. Or acts as my early warning system, at least.
I have a little routine to resolve the separation between mind/body before writing these days and it seems to work a treat, but funnily enough it also takes about an hour! Thanks for contributing to the discussion here.
Only recently did I connect the unpredictable nature of my abusive relationship to the unpredictable nature of both my career and my health. The "starving artist" model isn't simply a matter of refusing to take a "real job." It's very expensive to be a working artist, and before the Affordable Care Act was passed, it was neigh impossible for me to get affordable coverage if I didn't quality through the actor's union.
I identified with the idea that at some point, no matter where you turn, you can't find anything stable to lean on--even the things that previously fortified you. That's when you know you're trapped. And once you're free, it's such a victory to survive--neigh, thrive!--with only two coins to rub together.
But what would the comfort of "real money" feel like? I've been grappling with this myself.
So, I release the notion that if I have "real money" from a "real job" it means I'm no longer an artist. Gainfully employed artists--whatever the means of employment--are still artists. Hopefully, less stressed, healthier, and more productive artists.
This is such a great and substantial insight of yours, Gia. I especially like your realisation about our adoption of the ‘starving artist’ stereotype and how we somehow *have* to be poor or we are not proper artists.
Let’s let that one go as a totally unnecessary and disabling idea.
I feel like I need to save this some how and reread this from time to time. My history is uncannily similar to the point I needed to stop/start reading since it hurt. Thank you for your incredible observations and so well written.
I am sorry for the similarity-pain and hello, fellow traveller. It’s a bit special (however painful) when we find so many points of connection. Thank you for saying so.
I so appreciate your ability to write about such a searing time and glean such meaningful insights from it. Money may not buy happiness but a little comfort and safety — both of which money makes much easier — can ease into happiness, or at least contentment. This story is a vivid illustration of that phrase, “hurt people hurt people.” 😥
Thank you, Julie. Money is very helpful for comfort and safety as you say. I feel like I have happiness now, so it is time to sort out the money side a little better. And yes, ‘hurt people hurt people’ is proved again and again.
Wow! What a powerful, compelling piece. I totally can relate to your experiences. I grew up being silenced. Then I married a man who seemed the opposite of what I knew growing up. The 16 years of marriage were hell. He refused to work and the income pressure was on me. I agree with you that stress can cause a variety of conditions. He was negligent and abusive. Then I got cancer and he sat his lazy ass at home while I had to work 2 jobs while on chemotherapy and radiation. After treatment ended, so did the marriage, thankfully. I am so lucky he is out of my life. Thank you for writing this poignant piece. A lot of people will relate to it.
Beth, I am so glad he is out of your life too. The briefest summary of your abusive marriage, combined with cancer, is a gut punch. “I had to work 2 jobs while on chemotherapy and radiation” is nothing less than cruelty. I hope you have love and appreciation in your life now.
What a terrible experience for you Beth. I also relate to this piece, and to your story (although mine is slightly different). I am so thankful that I ended my terrible marriage. Every time life feels hard (and it really often does) I think 'well, I could still be married to my ex' and then everything feels so much better in comparison!
I'm sorry you went through such an incredibly difficult time, and I am so glad that things are better for you now.
I’m so glad you got out of your terrible marriage too, Emma. I had that thought especially when lockdown hit … thinking of all the women who got locked down with their abusive husbands. It made me so grateful to be in a better life now.
Hey Ros, good to meet at the social. This is the first thing I have read of yours and it's tremendous. I was taken back by how palpable these experiences felt as I read. I really admire the unflinching honesty and precision in your writing. The fact you've left a little room for light-heartedness too. A generous read. I'll be back for more.
Ps The fact you used to be a computer programmer – pre-books – is blowing my mind. Please tell me more at the next meet up.
Thanks, Amal, I will! It was great to meet you too. I thought I’d replied to this; obviously only in my head! 😆 Thsnk you for your kind comments; I hope you enjoy my other posts just as much. Trauma with humour is generally what I do.
I feel like I am interrupting a conversation that I am not part of here (something I got into trouble a lot for as a kid (undiagnosed adhd)), but the 'I thought I replied but it was only in my head' thing is so funny. My partner does it a lot, and I do it quite a bit. There is a funny cartoon out there about it - I'll see if I can find it.
And trauma with humour is my whole life (and writing). It sometimes makes people really uncomfortable...
Unfortunately, I’ve not yet managed to de-manifest the auto-immune disease; that one rather got its feet under the table! Partly because it took me many years to understand I was still carrying the trauma from that time. But I have largely recovered from the psychogical aspects, barring that I still have what you might call ‘trust issues’ with certain kinds of men. No, I haven’t read that book; and I think someone else must have mentioned it to me, too, because the name is familiar. So many books to be read!
I second Gabor Maté. I was trying to read all the comments before replying, but I'm failing. I haven't actually read this one yet (had it on my 'to read' pile for a loong time). I really liked his latest book 'The Myth of Normal'.
So much of this resounds with me. The mind-body connection, and how specific physical symptoms relate to being silenced. I, too, had repeated throat problems, and also recall getting an ear infection when I could no longer listen to someone. I ended up with several auto immune conditions.
I was in a fairly short coercive relationship, which I thankfully escaped before marriage. His current wife contacted me last year asking me to write something for a case she was bringing against him. She'd suffered 15 years of domestic violence and coercive control. He had gone straight from me to her, same approach (online dating), very similar experiences. I was happy to share my experiences to help her case, but then became a little scared that he would find me and contact me.
Thanks, Maria. Oh, I'm so glad you got out relatively quickly. But you still had that big physical hit, and in all the same places. Auto-immune conditions are significantly higher in women in men, and I wonder if that's because domestic abuse (including coercive control) is so much more in that direction than the other. Wouldn't it be great if a study were done, asking women with auto-immune conditions about their relationship history (a full-scale study with randomised control groups)? If it was recognised that domestic abuse has this additional long-term health cost, maybe governments would be more willing to take action on changing attitudes to women and girls from the classroom upwards.
The auto immune conditions pre-dated that relationship. I believe I was vulnerable to such a person because of childhood emotional abuse, and that abuse led to other abusive relationships and work situations. Plus led to my physical and mental health breaking down eventually. Therapy has helped me understand, and to stop me getting into such situations again.
Ah, interesting, thank you for the extra information. Yes, my vulnerability also came from childhood emotional abuse, and I too have had abusive work situations! There is so much to 'undo' when your course is set crooked.
What a fascinating story. So glad it had a happy ending which is still unfolding. Louise Hay really did nail the mind/body connection with her book You Can Heal Your Life. That's a book everyone should read! Thanks for sharing. Sabrinalabow.substack.com
Thank you, Sabrina. Yes, she really did. Amazing really that these links are not more widely understood, given the decades that have passed since her book became a bestseller.
Oooh yes. I 1,000,000% agree our emotions manifest physically. So sorry you had to go through all of that, and yet I'm so grateful you have come through with so much wisdom and perspective and happiness! YES to being happy and wealthy. 🙏🏼 I grew up in a very strict religious household and have such a burden of shame that developed, which can manifest in physical anxiety especially in chest and belly. But opening up and talking about it loosens it's grip a lil more each time. Here's to living our version of our best life, happy and healthy and wealthy. 💛
Thank you Megan. We really feel this stuff in our bodies, don't we. It's so good, though, to understand that connection and began to loosen its grip, as you say, through opening up about it. May we both experience all the blessings we deserve, free of fear, shame, and silencing.
Sounds like a marriage to a narcissist, I can relate. I got out too!!
Like you I would have rather died than stayed. Like you, when they can't control you anymore they will manipulate the people around you, character assasination and defamation.
The lies and mixed messagaes will drive anybody insane.
Nothing is ever good enough. At one point I ran 3 households on 3 continents with a little child, according to him, I couldn't hang up a dishrowel properly ... lol
Getting out was not easy.
Today I live a small but mostly happy existence.
I'm grateful that I didn't sell out for money and security like so many.
It is the death of ones soul.
People like that are already dead, they just don't know it. Alone on their pedestal, secretly windering why relationships just don't work for them, no friends ( no real ones ) constantly filling that gaping hole in their chest with money, success, and toys. Distractions, not able to take a good hard look at themselves, caught in a loop of self glorification and ego.
Thank you An K. Sounds like you did amazingly well to get out and build a good life. Three households on three contents with a small child sounds mad! The tea towel detail made me think of that Julia Roberts film where she escapes a controlling marriage; I forget the name of it.
You are blessed with extraordinary self-awareness. Few people are.
That’s kind of you to say, James, and it may be so. I wasn’t always so self-aware, as you can tell from the predicaments I got myself into! Most of my insights have come in the process of releasing trauma using EFT.
Oh yes, the throat problems. In my case I was strangling myself for doing a job I hated, plus feeling stuck in a country I didn't like and in a mindset that was killing me.
That sounds right, ‘strangling myself for doing a job I hated’. The throat is such a vulnerable channel between body and mind. I’ve often felt that the reason this is often the first place I feel emotion is because it’s the physical thing that ‘separates’ body from head (where we consider the mind/thoughts to reside) and I have so often lived in my head (intellect/thinking prioritised over feeling) and shut off from what my body (and specifically my heart) was trying to tell me.
That's a very interesting way to look at it. I think you're probably right!
Thought-provoking. I’m grateful for your skill at sharing deep realisations in such an entertaining easy-to-read manner. Thank you.
Thank you, Odet. I have spent so many years coming to these realisations that it feels a shame not to share them.
When I worked as a GP I found myself asking ‘why now?’ - especially when a patient presented with an uncommon or complex illness. The answer usually explained a lot - and helped me help more effectively. It took me years to understand this. I’m sorry you had to experience that mind/ body nexus so brutally and personally. But once understood it is never misremembered. Good on you for sharing.
Thank you, Peter. That sounds like a really interesting and useful question for a GP to ask. I imagine that was quite illuminating. As to the rest, there comes a point in one’s life, I think, where it’s worth sharing the knowledge one has accumuulated! And I think a lot more people experience that mind/body nexus than is generally realised.
I can no longer write by 'pushing through'. At 67 I have to wait for the hour or so when it comes very naturally for my self/body. I wite a lot less but better, when There's less mind/body separation.
My father was a surgeon and he decided I should keep my tonsils. They've given me trouble all my life. But what he eventually explained to me was- tonsils are a warning system- stop everything and take care of yourself. Looking back I can understand what he was talking about.
Are you a Taurus? Taurus rules the throat. Great admiration for what you did to get free
I’m glad you kept your tonsils. I’m glad I kept mine too. When I was in hospital with tonsillitis they told me they rarely remove them anymore, because they understand their role in disease prevention better now. Though the person in the bed opposite had indeed had a tonsillectomy and was eating only icecream!
I am not a Taurus, no. And I think my throat rules me, not the other way around. Or acts as my early warning system, at least.
I have a little routine to resolve the separation between mind/body before writing these days and it seems to work a treat, but funnily enough it also takes about an hour! Thanks for contributing to the discussion here.
Only recently did I connect the unpredictable nature of my abusive relationship to the unpredictable nature of both my career and my health. The "starving artist" model isn't simply a matter of refusing to take a "real job." It's very expensive to be a working artist, and before the Affordable Care Act was passed, it was neigh impossible for me to get affordable coverage if I didn't quality through the actor's union.
I identified with the idea that at some point, no matter where you turn, you can't find anything stable to lean on--even the things that previously fortified you. That's when you know you're trapped. And once you're free, it's such a victory to survive--neigh, thrive!--with only two coins to rub together.
But what would the comfort of "real money" feel like? I've been grappling with this myself.
So, I release the notion that if I have "real money" from a "real job" it means I'm no longer an artist. Gainfully employed artists--whatever the means of employment--are still artists. Hopefully, less stressed, healthier, and more productive artists.
Thank you for sharing your voice with us.
This is such a great and substantial insight of yours, Gia. I especially like your realisation about our adoption of the ‘starving artist’ stereotype and how we somehow *have* to be poor or we are not proper artists.
Let’s let that one go as a totally unnecessary and disabling idea.
Samuel Johnson said "No man but a blockhead ever wrote, except for money."
The opposite extreme and maybe just as misleading!
Here, here!
I feel like I need to save this some how and reread this from time to time. My history is uncannily similar to the point I needed to stop/start reading since it hurt. Thank you for your incredible observations and so well written.
I am sorry for the similarity-pain and hello, fellow traveller. It’s a bit special (however painful) when we find so many points of connection. Thank you for saying so.
Sending you a hug Leah. Xo
I so appreciate your ability to write about such a searing time and glean such meaningful insights from it. Money may not buy happiness but a little comfort and safety — both of which money makes much easier — can ease into happiness, or at least contentment. This story is a vivid illustration of that phrase, “hurt people hurt people.” 😥
Thank you, Julie. Money is very helpful for comfort and safety as you say. I feel like I have happiness now, so it is time to sort out the money side a little better. And yes, ‘hurt people hurt people’ is proved again and again.
Wow! What a powerful, compelling piece. I totally can relate to your experiences. I grew up being silenced. Then I married a man who seemed the opposite of what I knew growing up. The 16 years of marriage were hell. He refused to work and the income pressure was on me. I agree with you that stress can cause a variety of conditions. He was negligent and abusive. Then I got cancer and he sat his lazy ass at home while I had to work 2 jobs while on chemotherapy and radiation. After treatment ended, so did the marriage, thankfully. I am so lucky he is out of my life. Thank you for writing this poignant piece. A lot of people will relate to it.
Beth, I am so glad he is out of your life too. The briefest summary of your abusive marriage, combined with cancer, is a gut punch. “I had to work 2 jobs while on chemotherapy and radiation” is nothing less than cruelty. I hope you have love and appreciation in your life now.
Things improved greatly once we got a divorce. My life is blessed. Thank you.
Beth, your resilience is amazingly, I’m sorry you experienced all that. I’m sending you a hug of appreciation. Xo
Thank you so much.
What a terrible experience for you Beth. I also relate to this piece, and to your story (although mine is slightly different). I am so thankful that I ended my terrible marriage. Every time life feels hard (and it really often does) I think 'well, I could still be married to my ex' and then everything feels so much better in comparison!
I'm sorry you went through such an incredibly difficult time, and I am so glad that things are better for you now.
I’m so glad you got out of your terrible marriage too, Emma. I had that thought especially when lockdown hit … thinking of all the women who got locked down with their abusive husbands. It made me so grateful to be in a better life now.
I remember thinking the same over lockdown - what a terrible experience it was going to be for so many people.
Hey Ros, good to meet at the social. This is the first thing I have read of yours and it's tremendous. I was taken back by how palpable these experiences felt as I read. I really admire the unflinching honesty and precision in your writing. The fact you've left a little room for light-heartedness too. A generous read. I'll be back for more.
Ps The fact you used to be a computer programmer – pre-books – is blowing my mind. Please tell me more at the next meet up.
Thanks, Amal, I will! It was great to meet you too. I thought I’d replied to this; obviously only in my head! 😆 Thsnk you for your kind comments; I hope you enjoy my other posts just as much. Trauma with humour is generally what I do.
I feel like I am interrupting a conversation that I am not part of here (something I got into trouble a lot for as a kid (undiagnosed adhd)), but the 'I thought I replied but it was only in my head' thing is so funny. My partner does it a lot, and I do it quite a bit. There is a funny cartoon out there about it - I'll see if I can find it.
And trauma with humour is my whole life (and writing). It sometimes makes people really uncomfortable...
Such an important story to share. I hope you are recovering. Have you read Gabor Mate? I love what he says about the mind body link
https://www.amazon.co.uk/When-Body-Says-No-Hidden/dp/178504222X/ref=asc_df_178504222X/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=697287344587&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=9928005587309526326&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1007000&hvtargid=pla-579976941970&psc=1&mcid=5513d45753a832d4b9461c45cf6f24c4&th=1&psc=1&gad_source=1
Unfortunately, I’ve not yet managed to de-manifest the auto-immune disease; that one rather got its feet under the table! Partly because it took me many years to understand I was still carrying the trauma from that time. But I have largely recovered from the psychogical aspects, barring that I still have what you might call ‘trust issues’ with certain kinds of men. No, I haven’t read that book; and I think someone else must have mentioned it to me, too, because the name is familiar. So many books to be read!
I second Gabor Maté. I was trying to read all the comments before replying, but I'm failing. I haven't actually read this one yet (had it on my 'to read' pile for a loong time). I really liked his latest book 'The Myth of Normal'.
This is such a powerful and moving piece, Ros. I cannot even begin to tell you how much this resonates with me.
Thank you, Dolamu, I appreciate your kind words. I'm both glad and sorry (if you know what I mean) that it resonates with you.
So much of this resounds with me. The mind-body connection, and how specific physical symptoms relate to being silenced. I, too, had repeated throat problems, and also recall getting an ear infection when I could no longer listen to someone. I ended up with several auto immune conditions.
I was in a fairly short coercive relationship, which I thankfully escaped before marriage. His current wife contacted me last year asking me to write something for a case she was bringing against him. She'd suffered 15 years of domestic violence and coercive control. He had gone straight from me to her, same approach (online dating), very similar experiences. I was happy to share my experiences to help her case, but then became a little scared that he would find me and contact me.
Thanks for writing and sharing.
Thanks, Maria. Oh, I'm so glad you got out relatively quickly. But you still had that big physical hit, and in all the same places. Auto-immune conditions are significantly higher in women in men, and I wonder if that's because domestic abuse (including coercive control) is so much more in that direction than the other. Wouldn't it be great if a study were done, asking women with auto-immune conditions about their relationship history (a full-scale study with randomised control groups)? If it was recognised that domestic abuse has this additional long-term health cost, maybe governments would be more willing to take action on changing attitudes to women and girls from the classroom upwards.
I should add, thank you for the ear infection detail also! And I'm so glad you were able to help the woman he moved onto.
The auto immune conditions pre-dated that relationship. I believe I was vulnerable to such a person because of childhood emotional abuse, and that abuse led to other abusive relationships and work situations. Plus led to my physical and mental health breaking down eventually. Therapy has helped me understand, and to stop me getting into such situations again.
Ah, interesting, thank you for the extra information. Yes, my vulnerability also came from childhood emotional abuse, and I too have had abusive work situations! There is so much to 'undo' when your course is set crooked.
What a fascinating story. So glad it had a happy ending which is still unfolding. Louise Hay really did nail the mind/body connection with her book You Can Heal Your Life. That's a book everyone should read! Thanks for sharing. Sabrinalabow.substack.com
Thank you, Sabrina. Yes, she really did. Amazing really that these links are not more widely understood, given the decades that have passed since her book became a bestseller.
Oooh yes. I 1,000,000% agree our emotions manifest physically. So sorry you had to go through all of that, and yet I'm so grateful you have come through with so much wisdom and perspective and happiness! YES to being happy and wealthy. 🙏🏼 I grew up in a very strict religious household and have such a burden of shame that developed, which can manifest in physical anxiety especially in chest and belly. But opening up and talking about it loosens it's grip a lil more each time. Here's to living our version of our best life, happy and healthy and wealthy. 💛
Thank you Megan. We really feel this stuff in our bodies, don't we. It's so good, though, to understand that connection and began to loosen its grip, as you say, through opening up about it. May we both experience all the blessings we deserve, free of fear, shame, and silencing.
Sounds like a marriage to a narcissist, I can relate. I got out too!!
Like you I would have rather died than stayed. Like you, when they can't control you anymore they will manipulate the people around you, character assasination and defamation.
The lies and mixed messagaes will drive anybody insane.
Nothing is ever good enough. At one point I ran 3 households on 3 continents with a little child, according to him, I couldn't hang up a dishrowel properly ... lol
Getting out was not easy.
Today I live a small but mostly happy existence.
I'm grateful that I didn't sell out for money and security like so many.
It is the death of ones soul.
People like that are already dead, they just don't know it. Alone on their pedestal, secretly windering why relationships just don't work for them, no friends ( no real ones ) constantly filling that gaping hole in their chest with money, success, and toys. Distractions, not able to take a good hard look at themselves, caught in a loop of self glorification and ego.
Always ending up miserable and alone.
Thank you for writing.
🌸
Thank you An K. Sounds like you did amazingly well to get out and build a good life. Three households on three contents with a small child sounds mad! The tea towel detail made me think of that Julia Roberts film where she escapes a controlling marriage; I forget the name of it.
I guess so ... :) thanks!
Mad alright!! .. Sleeping with the enemy ...
I didn't have to fake my own death! LOL
We do talk to each other.. he is an idiot not an asshole, I used to say. Today I know he is sick and very unhappy.
Ah yes, that is the film I was trying to remember! Well that’s good: idiots are preferable to assholes 😆
Yes!! 😂