So wonderfully written, once again. Thank you Ros for your time and energy. It took me 20 minutes to read properly and digest, I stopped at certain parts, the emotion in this😢😢❤️❤️you really took us there to the destinations and how everything felt, and how it feels now and then to current events in your life and what you are looking forward to in the very near future.
What a wonderful story. I will never forget the generosity of Philip Pullman’s response to my letter trying to convey how much His Dark Materials had changed my life. He even sent me three beautiful signed woodcut bookplates. And the story of your traumatic drive through Dorset really resonated with me. I find driving in unfamiliar places very challenging and one of the reasons is the constant background awareness of being exposed to male hostility if you hestitate on the road.
I would like to follow your course next year. It seems fitting that towards the end of it my birthday falls on 28 March and I shall be spending a week-long writing retreat in Cornwall where I’ll be able to give it my undivided attention. I would like to take you up on your £48 annual membership deal - the full price of £60 still seems to be displayed on the upgrade page so maybe you could let me know how to access that when you have a spare moment. Thanks, and happy Christmas.
I’m not sure why that is, Miranda, as it’s showing for me on the main ‘subscribe’ page, but this link should work: https://www.howtoevolve.me/5c6a2f10
I’m glad to hear that Pihilip Pullman responded to you so generously too. As for the drive resonating, I imagine we are not alone in that; being subjected to male agression is always a riisk, isn’t it. Not an easy subject to segue from into festive cheer, but Merry Christmas to you too!
I love how quickly Mantel came back with her second reply to you! You must've been so chuffed!
I am, obviously, rather late to this post. But here's the strange thing, bearing in mind the part about your frightening driving experience- today I did my first ever solo drive.
I learned to drive in my early 40s, during the pandemic, and as I'm deaf as well, it was even more difficult. I went through four instructors, before I found one who was willing to shout for two hours per lesson so that I could hear him through his mask!
Anyway, I'd never driven solo. There were instructors in the car, there were the examiners (passed second time...), there was my partner. Other than moving the car a couple of times so I could park it outside the house, I hadn't driven anywhere without someone else in the car.
Except for today.
The car had to go to the garage. It could only be done on a weekday. My partner couldn't get the time off. So I'd have to do. I was scared, honestly. My brain turned the prospect of driving alone, in rush hour, into something terrifying. For the past two weeks, my mind has been full of catastrophes. Crashes, road rage, chase sequences, car-jackers, exploding petrol tankers.
But when I got up this morning, I wasn't scared at all. I just got on with it.
I drove to the garage. Nothing bad happened. I did it!
And dare I say, I actually found it easier, without the distraction of someone else in the car?
(Of course, I have to drive home soon, but... I did it, and I'm not scared anymore)
Hoorah, Helen. That's fantastic news. I'm so pleased your solo drive was a success.
Me, I'm a very keen solo driver (much prefer not to have passenger distraction, given my ADHD) and have been driving since I was 17. But I cannot navigate without a decent map/satnav and clearly have issues around being lost! All these experiences are valuable in the end, though, since we discover (and overcome) the various fears that arise and grow through them.
Driving solo was great, really. I wish I'd done it earlier. I locked straight in - no one talking, no radio. I've actually got my ADHD assessment in a week...!
Beautifully written. I’ve never really thought about how a few words can be completely life changing. I really felt your panic at being lost in a maze of country lanes - I have that terror every time I visit my great aunt.
Thank you, Julie. I've thought about life-changing words quite a lot. How just one sentence has sometimes sent me off in a different direction to the one I thought I was taking. I'm really glad I touched on a common experience with you, in the country lanes nightmare. Just when we *really* need our tech, is often exactly when it fails us!
This is one of the best things I’ve ever heard - you get the absolute next level mastery of wolf hall, you’ve corresponded with her & she lived your work, AND you’ve been on the set of the series that, miraculously, manages to do it justice. I am so delighted this has happened!!
It has been a dream, really, this aspect of my life. I got to meet her in person a couple of times, too, after The Marlowe Papers came out. Being on the set of Wolf Hall for the day was incredible. It was a real privilege and I was treated so well by everyone, the Director, the actors, everyone I met. It's incredible to see the scenes I was present for on the screen. It's so lovely you're delighted on my behalf!
Panic rose in me as I read about your car journey Ros, maybe another shared ADHD trait? When I was heavily pregnant with my first, my family asked me what gift they could get for my birthday and I practically yelled the words Satnav please! I cannot cope driving without knowing where I am, yet my spatial awareness is zero. Pre-satnav I spent a decade driving lost on the same 3hr journey to a relative - I would inevitably end up in a phone box explaining where I was ‘I’m outside the crooked man pub’ only for said relative to yell ‘Quick! Run back to your car and drive away fast, if your car still has wheels on’’.
Amazing that you dared write to Hilary in the first place! Wonderful that she replied with such praise, I’m not surprised you treasure her words. For many of us, without anyone cheerleading us on earlier in life, receiving compliments is tricky. I’m glad you have those words to cherish and look back on as you move forwards. Xx
Thank you for sharing your communications with Hilary Mantel, Ros - what genuinely kind and thoughtful responses she had. That must be still absolutely thrilling to re-read. I definitely find that writing a memoir has been hugely therapeutic, finding the right words to convey deeply emotional memories made me think about them much more fully. Like you mention, I had these trimmed back, somewhat throwaway, sentences to tell people about certain parts of my past, and yet, looking at them, they just became a kind of armour against revealing too much. You also made me think of the words that had a greater impact on me, and for the most part they are the negative ones - I can still remember so many from years ago even, and can see the exact place I was when I heard them, but fail to recall the kind, generous ones I know I have heard too.
It's so often the way, Kay, isn't it? We seem programmed to store the negative, which indicates a "small t" trauma response; something hurts, our subconscious has the duty of protecting us, so it stores it in accurate detail in the hope that spotting similarities might head off future pain. I think that's why I love to keep a positive input trail too -- positive reviews, fan letters (yes, I've had a few!), emails like Hilary's, and of course journalling, which means the good days get captured along with the 'bad' ones which get remembered anyway!
Your description of the throwaway sentences summarising painful experiences as "a kind o armour against revealing too much" is spot on.
My friend has a Wall of Nice where she pins up the nice things people say - I stuck a few in my notes app but might print them off. It’s nice to look back at them.
What an amazing response from Hilary Mantel. I can’t imagine managing to write a novel in iambic pentameter - so I’m sure it was very well deserved.
As to driving blind or in bad weather and feeling that panic rise - I’ve been there many times. We rely so heavily on modern tech - and though I can read a paper map fine as I used to be a cartographer, I don’t think I actually have one in my car anymore. And I too (whilst I have been lucky to avoid too much male aggression in my life) feel that fear of what could happen if I stopped at the wrong place and time. Perhaps the result of an overactive imagination - but founded in reality. I don’t think most men understand this fear. I have stopped to ask for directions in the depths of Devon as dusk fell one February whilst looking for a hired house my friends were getting married in. Directions had taken me down a farm track to a field - which I’d shakily managed to navigate back out of by using skills I didn’t realise I knew. Turned out I wasn’t the only one who went down there and one chap had damaged his car doing that same manoeuvre. Anyway - you are not alone in that fear!
I am definitely interested in doing your healing writing course next year - my worry is I’m taking on too much already and would I be able to do it justice! But then I wonder if it’s just what I need to progress. I often feel drawn to the saying - speculate to accumulate!!
Haha, yes, Bronwen, it was an amazing response; I was so moved, both that she responded (and so quickly) and that she said such nice things about it!
I'm glad not to feel alone about that 'getting lost in the car.' You are right that it is probably very much a female experience. Safety becomes a lifelong concern once you realise your vulnerabilities.
I understand your concerns about whether you might be taking on too much, as someone that regularly takes on too much! Usually something else has to be dropped; it's a balancing act. The question is whether, if you are writing anyway for your Substack, it might feed into that helpfully, and therefore in some ways not take up too much *additional* time, with the added benefit that it might create some useful insights or healing in the process. No rush; you can ponder it. The annual subscription discount will be up for another three weeks, and even after that you could always just take out a month's subscription when necessary and see if you find it useful / find yourself actually making use of it!
I do think your course could be useful for my second Substack which is memoir/life writing and I haven’t really managed to get off the ground yet. I will ponder and will probably sign up :)
Completely! It was an astonishing thing to receive, as an unpublished novelist. And it made all the difference to me getting published, I think -- it was enough to get editors to give the first few pages a go and that, according the Carole Welch at Sceptre, was enough!
So wonderfully written, once again. Thank you Ros for your time and energy. It took me 20 minutes to read properly and digest, I stopped at certain parts, the emotion in this😢😢❤️❤️you really took us there to the destinations and how everything felt, and how it feels now and then to current events in your life and what you are looking forward to in the very near future.
So much love for you❤️❤️
Have a gentle evening🤗
Thanks, Rebecca.
You are welcome Ros🤗
What a wonderful story. I will never forget the generosity of Philip Pullman’s response to my letter trying to convey how much His Dark Materials had changed my life. He even sent me three beautiful signed woodcut bookplates. And the story of your traumatic drive through Dorset really resonated with me. I find driving in unfamiliar places very challenging and one of the reasons is the constant background awareness of being exposed to male hostility if you hestitate on the road.
I would like to follow your course next year. It seems fitting that towards the end of it my birthday falls on 28 March and I shall be spending a week-long writing retreat in Cornwall where I’ll be able to give it my undivided attention. I would like to take you up on your £48 annual membership deal - the full price of £60 still seems to be displayed on the upgrade page so maybe you could let me know how to access that when you have a spare moment. Thanks, and happy Christmas.
I’m not sure why that is, Miranda, as it’s showing for me on the main ‘subscribe’ page, but this link should work: https://www.howtoevolve.me/5c6a2f10
I’m glad to hear that Pihilip Pullman responded to you so generously too. As for the drive resonating, I imagine we are not alone in that; being subjected to male agression is always a riisk, isn’t it. Not an easy subject to segue from into festive cheer, but Merry Christmas to you too!
I love how quickly Mantel came back with her second reply to you! You must've been so chuffed!
I am, obviously, rather late to this post. But here's the strange thing, bearing in mind the part about your frightening driving experience- today I did my first ever solo drive.
I learned to drive in my early 40s, during the pandemic, and as I'm deaf as well, it was even more difficult. I went through four instructors, before I found one who was willing to shout for two hours per lesson so that I could hear him through his mask!
Anyway, I'd never driven solo. There were instructors in the car, there were the examiners (passed second time...), there was my partner. Other than moving the car a couple of times so I could park it outside the house, I hadn't driven anywhere without someone else in the car.
Except for today.
The car had to go to the garage. It could only be done on a weekday. My partner couldn't get the time off. So I'd have to do. I was scared, honestly. My brain turned the prospect of driving alone, in rush hour, into something terrifying. For the past two weeks, my mind has been full of catastrophes. Crashes, road rage, chase sequences, car-jackers, exploding petrol tankers.
But when I got up this morning, I wasn't scared at all. I just got on with it.
I drove to the garage. Nothing bad happened. I did it!
And dare I say, I actually found it easier, without the distraction of someone else in the car?
(Of course, I have to drive home soon, but... I did it, and I'm not scared anymore)
Hoorah, Helen. That's fantastic news. I'm so pleased your solo drive was a success.
Me, I'm a very keen solo driver (much prefer not to have passenger distraction, given my ADHD) and have been driving since I was 17. But I cannot navigate without a decent map/satnav and clearly have issues around being lost! All these experiences are valuable in the end, though, since we discover (and overcome) the various fears that arise and grow through them.
It always feels good to overcome a fear!
Driving solo was great, really. I wish I'd done it earlier. I locked straight in - no one talking, no radio. I've actually got my ADHD assessment in a week...!
Beautifully written. I’ve never really thought about how a few words can be completely life changing. I really felt your panic at being lost in a maze of country lanes - I have that terror every time I visit my great aunt.
Thank you, Julie. I've thought about life-changing words quite a lot. How just one sentence has sometimes sent me off in a different direction to the one I thought I was taking. I'm really glad I touched on a common experience with you, in the country lanes nightmare. Just when we *really* need our tech, is often exactly when it fails us!
This is one of the best things I’ve ever heard - you get the absolute next level mastery of wolf hall, you’ve corresponded with her & she lived your work, AND you’ve been on the set of the series that, miraculously, manages to do it justice. I am so delighted this has happened!!
It has been a dream, really, this aspect of my life. I got to meet her in person a couple of times, too, after The Marlowe Papers came out. Being on the set of Wolf Hall for the day was incredible. It was a real privilege and I was treated so well by everyone, the Director, the actors, everyone I met. It's incredible to see the scenes I was present for on the screen. It's so lovely you're delighted on my behalf!
Panic rose in me as I read about your car journey Ros, maybe another shared ADHD trait? When I was heavily pregnant with my first, my family asked me what gift they could get for my birthday and I practically yelled the words Satnav please! I cannot cope driving without knowing where I am, yet my spatial awareness is zero. Pre-satnav I spent a decade driving lost on the same 3hr journey to a relative - I would inevitably end up in a phone box explaining where I was ‘I’m outside the crooked man pub’ only for said relative to yell ‘Quick! Run back to your car and drive away fast, if your car still has wheels on’’.
Amazing that you dared write to Hilary in the first place! Wonderful that she replied with such praise, I’m not surprised you treasure her words. For many of us, without anyone cheerleading us on earlier in life, receiving compliments is tricky. I’m glad you have those words to cherish and look back on as you move forwards. Xx
Thank you for sharing your communications with Hilary Mantel, Ros - what genuinely kind and thoughtful responses she had. That must be still absolutely thrilling to re-read. I definitely find that writing a memoir has been hugely therapeutic, finding the right words to convey deeply emotional memories made me think about them much more fully. Like you mention, I had these trimmed back, somewhat throwaway, sentences to tell people about certain parts of my past, and yet, looking at them, they just became a kind of armour against revealing too much. You also made me think of the words that had a greater impact on me, and for the most part they are the negative ones - I can still remember so many from years ago even, and can see the exact place I was when I heard them, but fail to recall the kind, generous ones I know I have heard too.
It's so often the way, Kay, isn't it? We seem programmed to store the negative, which indicates a "small t" trauma response; something hurts, our subconscious has the duty of protecting us, so it stores it in accurate detail in the hope that spotting similarities might head off future pain. I think that's why I love to keep a positive input trail too -- positive reviews, fan letters (yes, I've had a few!), emails like Hilary's, and of course journalling, which means the good days get captured along with the 'bad' ones which get remembered anyway!
Your description of the throwaway sentences summarising painful experiences as "a kind o armour against revealing too much" is spot on.
My friend has a Wall of Nice where she pins up the nice things people say - I stuck a few in my notes app but might print them off. It’s nice to look back at them.
What an amazing response from Hilary Mantel. I can’t imagine managing to write a novel in iambic pentameter - so I’m sure it was very well deserved.
As to driving blind or in bad weather and feeling that panic rise - I’ve been there many times. We rely so heavily on modern tech - and though I can read a paper map fine as I used to be a cartographer, I don’t think I actually have one in my car anymore. And I too (whilst I have been lucky to avoid too much male aggression in my life) feel that fear of what could happen if I stopped at the wrong place and time. Perhaps the result of an overactive imagination - but founded in reality. I don’t think most men understand this fear. I have stopped to ask for directions in the depths of Devon as dusk fell one February whilst looking for a hired house my friends were getting married in. Directions had taken me down a farm track to a field - which I’d shakily managed to navigate back out of by using skills I didn’t realise I knew. Turned out I wasn’t the only one who went down there and one chap had damaged his car doing that same manoeuvre. Anyway - you are not alone in that fear!
I am definitely interested in doing your healing writing course next year - my worry is I’m taking on too much already and would I be able to do it justice! But then I wonder if it’s just what I need to progress. I often feel drawn to the saying - speculate to accumulate!!
Haha, yes, Bronwen, it was an amazing response; I was so moved, both that she responded (and so quickly) and that she said such nice things about it!
I'm glad not to feel alone about that 'getting lost in the car.' You are right that it is probably very much a female experience. Safety becomes a lifelong concern once you realise your vulnerabilities.
I understand your concerns about whether you might be taking on too much, as someone that regularly takes on too much! Usually something else has to be dropped; it's a balancing act. The question is whether, if you are writing anyway for your Substack, it might feed into that helpfully, and therefore in some ways not take up too much *additional* time, with the added benefit that it might create some useful insights or healing in the process. No rush; you can ponder it. The annual subscription discount will be up for another three weeks, and even after that you could always just take out a month's subscription when necessary and see if you find it useful / find yourself actually making use of it!
I do think your course could be useful for my second Substack which is memoir/life writing and I haven’t really managed to get off the ground yet. I will ponder and will probably sign up :)
How wonderfully kind from Hilary Mantel! A letter like that is life-sustaining to a writer.
Completely! It was an astonishing thing to receive, as an unpublished novelist. And it made all the difference to me getting published, I think -- it was enough to get editors to give the first few pages a go and that, according the Carole Welch at Sceptre, was enough!
I love this new direction for you Ros, I look forward to joining you!
Hurrah! I'm so glad to see you have signed up. Exciting!
In addition Ros, here's a lyric for you from one of my favourite songs, it's called 'Flowers'.
I'll bring you flowers I'll make your day, the tears you cry, I 'll dry them all away, away'.🤗❤️