I was never proposed to. Instead, ‘When we’re married’ was continually said until it became a fact. It was a very unhappy marriage. I’m a much stronger person now.
I’ve just had a huge row with my father. Over nothing - but the insidious family script on ‘me’…I think I needed to read this right now! How fortunate that we’ve now got terms like ‘gas lighting’ to help us see past this sort of thing…
Ah. I've been the isolated prey, on the couch at 19 in Washington, DC. 1,500 miles from anyone I was related to, changing what I'd written for someone who would eventually try to control every part of my life. Marriage was dangled like a carrot in front of a donkey, and I, like a young ass, followed along, ever hungry. But now, as you say, I'm a blade of steel. Beware the donkey who has become a weapon.
We recognise ourselves and acknowledge each other, those of us who have been isolated almost out of existence for a time. Now, we are not to be messed with.
I've commented before about my relatively short coercive relationship - 8 months long: proposed marriage after a couple of weeks together; moved in to my house after 4 months, making me get rid of most of my furniture to make room for his; started to cause friction and rifts with my family; suggested I sell the house and that we move together to the country (he had no capital to put towards a house); said that I should give up the MA I had just started if we moved house; wanted to get married quickly with hardly any guests; was in touch with me by text several times an hour, and shouted at me if I said I was taking a quiet couple of hours to write, away from my phone; accused me of having several lovers. Of course, this was after the love bombing phase. Thank God I woke up and said I wouldn't marry him. He moved out leaving me with hardly any furniture. Again, you have struck a chord with me, Ros. We need to keep spreading the word about coercive control, and not feel ashamed. I felt so stupid after it ended, but I was vulnerable, he spotted that and exploited it. The shame belongs to him.
Exactly Maria, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Him taking advantage of you while you were vulnerable is a reflection of him, not you. I’m glad you managed to get out of this after only a short time and with only the loss of furniture. (I too lost all my furniture when I eventually escaped, because I had to do a secret ‘flit’). The more we talk about this, the better it will be for other women; the easier for them to see the red flags and get out before worse happens.
I nearly slipped into this same trap 40 years ago, but luckily had my dear mother only 2 days away to speak to and advise me ‘why is there a rush to give him an answer?’. So obvious, why hadn’t I thought of that! This set my life on a different course.
I’m totally with you on the dangers of a public proposal. I don’t really like them for the reasons you lay out here. My husband proposed in public, at a location that had meaning to both of us, but we’d talked extensively (for months!) about getting married, worked through our expectations and found common ground, and both agreed that marrying each other was something we both wanted. The proposal was just a formality at that point; we had already decided to marry one another 😆
That’s a case where a public proposal is fine! But whenever I happen to see one, I always wonder if it was worked out in advance, like ours was, or if it was a net for one of the partners (usually a woman being proposed to by a man.)
Hi, Ros. I really really appreciate you sharing this stuff. It's strange how comforting it is to hear from someone who has gone through what you have. The anger and victimization and lashing out as a response to you just trying to live according to your truth, your needs, your soul. That is the abuse, and I never realized it when I was in it. And yet I remember to this day how angry my ex-wife became at me when I said I wasn't sure if I was ready to have children, when I didn't say "I love you" back, in the early days of our relationship, when I turned down a higher-paying job because it wasn't a job I would have been happy in. She used to say "I'm not sure I'll ever be able to forgive you," in response to things like that.
So thank you for sharing and helping me to feel seen.
Oooh, I like those steely hearts. They came out as hearts in my email reply, not on the website though. I've never done it before. It feels like exactly what I need. Shame it's not for a few months.
It's hard to trust, isn't it. It took me a long time to trust that the man who became my second husband wasn't cut from the same cloth. He's not (20+ years so far, and has proved himself sound).
I was never proposed to. Instead, ‘When we’re married’ was continually said until it became a fact. It was a very unhappy marriage. I’m a much stronger person now.
Ooh, ‘when we’re married’… that is insidious. Sorry it worked but glad you got out!
Good to know!
I’ve just had a huge row with my father. Over nothing - but the insidious family script on ‘me’…I think I needed to read this right now! How fortunate that we’ve now got terms like ‘gas lighting’ to help us see past this sort of thing…
Yes, those terms really help us get clearer on what is going on.
💯%
Your writing is very good, but more than good, it’s real.
Thanks, Marcia, that means a lot.
Ah. I've been the isolated prey, on the couch at 19 in Washington, DC. 1,500 miles from anyone I was related to, changing what I'd written for someone who would eventually try to control every part of my life. Marriage was dangled like a carrot in front of a donkey, and I, like a young ass, followed along, ever hungry. But now, as you say, I'm a blade of steel. Beware the donkey who has become a weapon.
Haha, Gia, I love that. I want that on a T-shirt.
We recognise ourselves and acknowledge each other, those of us who have been isolated almost out of existence for a time. Now, we are not to be messed with.
I've commented before about my relatively short coercive relationship - 8 months long: proposed marriage after a couple of weeks together; moved in to my house after 4 months, making me get rid of most of my furniture to make room for his; started to cause friction and rifts with my family; suggested I sell the house and that we move together to the country (he had no capital to put towards a house); said that I should give up the MA I had just started if we moved house; wanted to get married quickly with hardly any guests; was in touch with me by text several times an hour, and shouted at me if I said I was taking a quiet couple of hours to write, away from my phone; accused me of having several lovers. Of course, this was after the love bombing phase. Thank God I woke up and said I wouldn't marry him. He moved out leaving me with hardly any furniture. Again, you have struck a chord with me, Ros. We need to keep spreading the word about coercive control, and not feel ashamed. I felt so stupid after it ended, but I was vulnerable, he spotted that and exploited it. The shame belongs to him.
Exactly Maria, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Him taking advantage of you while you were vulnerable is a reflection of him, not you. I’m glad you managed to get out of this after only a short time and with only the loss of furniture. (I too lost all my furniture when I eventually escaped, because I had to do a secret ‘flit’). The more we talk about this, the better it will be for other women; the easier for them to see the red flags and get out before worse happens.
Totally gives me the shivers too.
I nearly slipped into this same trap 40 years ago, but luckily had my dear mother only 2 days away to speak to and advise me ‘why is there a rush to give him an answer?’. So obvious, why hadn’t I thought of that! This set my life on a different course.
I was so lucky to have her support and wisdom
Oh you are! I wish I had had such wisdom at my back.
I’m totally with you on the dangers of a public proposal. I don’t really like them for the reasons you lay out here. My husband proposed in public, at a location that had meaning to both of us, but we’d talked extensively (for months!) about getting married, worked through our expectations and found common ground, and both agreed that marrying each other was something we both wanted. The proposal was just a formality at that point; we had already decided to marry one another 😆
That’s a case where a public proposal is fine! But whenever I happen to see one, I always wonder if it was worked out in advance, like ours was, or if it was a net for one of the partners (usually a woman being proposed to by a man.)
Yes, that’s very different - pre-agreed!
Hi, Ros. I really really appreciate you sharing this stuff. It's strange how comforting it is to hear from someone who has gone through what you have. The anger and victimization and lashing out as a response to you just trying to live according to your truth, your needs, your soul. That is the abuse, and I never realized it when I was in it. And yet I remember to this day how angry my ex-wife became at me when I said I wasn't sure if I was ready to have children, when I didn't say "I love you" back, in the early days of our relationship, when I turned down a higher-paying job because it wasn't a job I would have been happy in. She used to say "I'm not sure I'll ever be able to forgive you," in response to things like that.
So thank you for sharing and helping me to feel seen.
Thanks for sharing your experiences here, Don. I’m really glad you find these pieces helpful.
We live and we learn. Hopefully. 🙏
Totally what it's all about! x
Ros, you speak such truth. It resonates so much. Thank you for spreading the word x
Thank you, Hannah. I'm on a bit of a mission it seems. x
So good! And sadly, so relatable.
I tortured myself into saying yes - a perfect description.
Excellent piece! Just forwarded to a friend. X
Thanks, Suzi. x
We are steel❤️❤️❤️❤️🩶🩶🩶🩶🩶
I’m kind of interested in a silent retreat. There’s a place right here that does them; I did 3 of their wastewater systems 😁
Oooh, I like those steely hearts. They came out as hearts in my email reply, not on the website though. I've never done it before. It feels like exactly what I need. Shame it's not for a few months.
Wow! Thats so good to hear. My empathy for your plate was painful. Glad you found someone to love and trust.
Me too.
i have a great marriage I almost avoided because he was kind and I distrusted that. similar childhood vibe
It's hard to trust, isn't it. It took me a long time to trust that the man who became my second husband wasn't cut from the same cloth. He's not (20+ years so far, and has proved himself sound).
Wow, what an ambush! I’m glad you got out. My love to you, Ros x
Me too. Thanks Becky x