Taking responsibility for something isn’t necessarily the same as thinking it’s your fault. Maybe your childhood sucked. Maybe it even left you traumatised. You can’t undo what happened and the fallout is a reality you have to live with, at least from a starting position. But what you do about it, how you absorb it and left it affect you as a person, is absolutely under your control. You might need some help to get there, but ultimately if you think of yourself as a victim and that becomes your identity, everybody loses.
Yes, that’s absolutely it, Miranda. It’s definitely *not* about fault or blame in any direction, outward or inward. My childhood definitely left me traumatised and I would never say this was my fault, but under Radical Responsibility I don’t blame my parents or step-parents either. I’m grateful for the person I became as a result of it.
I think I'm responsible for my own choices, words, actions, behaviours, responses, feelings etc. And I think other people are responsible for theirs. Taking responsibility for things that others do is a step too far for me, especially when talking about acts of violence or cruelty. I may take responsibility for getting in a car with someone I didn't know well; it was not my choice for him to drug me and rape me. He did that and he is the one who carries the responsibility. Just to give an example. People can be innocent victims. But of course we shouldn't make that our identity or refuse to take responsibility for our healing.
Understood. And this is a particularly difficult thing when it comes to examples like that. Same as with the life-changing accident scenario. In my own life I would adopt that position from a broader perspective (one of suffering leading to growth) while not removing any responsibility from the rapist for his own actions. But yeah, it isn’t an easy thing and certainly not something for anyone but the person themselves to decide.
Reading the other comments and responses, I'm not sure if I understand the concept, after all. What I don't like is how easily it turns responsibility to blame. "You did this shit to yourself" sounds like gaslighting. But I think you're saying that on a soul level, all that we experience is chosen by us in order to learn. Which I can neither agree or disagree with; that's a matter of religious faith. Is it helpful to act as though that's true? I can see how it could be. It gives a cosmic perspective.
As I tried to make explicit, is is absolutely not to be put on others. Victim-blaming is absolutely abhorrent. And it’s not to be used for self-blame either. Blame is damaging for all concerned. It’s not about fault or blame.
Nor would I categorise it as a matter of religious faith, as I am not religious; organised religion is full of dogma and has done as much damage to women (and humankind as a whole) as anything; just another warped power structure. (I used to think Buddhism was exempt until I learned more about Buddishm)).
I know I used a provocative headline “You…” but it’s meant to be considered (I hope the article stresses) as something you might consider saying to yourself (not in a blaming way) and never to anyone else. I personally find it very freeing to see everything that happens to me (that looks “bad” at first sight) as some kind of personal development programme that on a subconscious or supra-conscious level, has been designed (by some aspect of ‘me’) for my growth. But I recognise this is a difficult concept and hard to grasp within the constraints of Rational Materialism (which is the dominant paradigm right now). A step too far for a lot of people. I wondered if I could explain it sufficiently despite all this, and I’m not sure I’ve managed it really!
I don’t think it’s about smart. From your writing, I’d say you’re whip-smart. But it is about having a belief framework (about how the universe functions) that can accommodate it, and that involves lots of stuff about quantum entanglement, non-local consciousness etc. Or a generally spiritual-not-religious perspective will also make it possible.
I think I just don't get it. I thought you were saying that you on some (below everyday consciousness) level choose all of your experiences in order that you can grow in a spiritual sense. But that's as far as I can get with it and from your response I gather that's not what you're saying. I assume I am not clever/evolved enough to get it - maybe I need to do some ayahuasca or something! As far as taking responsibility for ourselves and not seeing ourselves as victims, I am completely in agreement. I don't see myself as a victim of anything, although I certainly did for a long time and it made my life a lot worse. I try very hard now not to feel sorry for myself and maintain the perspective that it's more useful to simply accept whatever happens without rancour or bitterness. Shit happens, basically, and it's meaningless. What's meaningful is how you deal with the shit that happens to you. I am not sure how much I am still missing your point but suspect it's something beyond my current ability to understand.
As you said Ros, it is a personal response to empower yourself NOT to be a VICTIM of circumstances. It is completely your choice. It is, as you also say, not something you can ever impose on another. The power for me in this approach, and I have tried more or less successfully since I did the Landmark Forum in the late 90’s, is that by taking ownership I take control. If shit happens I own my own response. If on some unknown level (I don’t need to understand the mechanism or in any way prove it exists) I enabled this shit to happen then by definition I can choose to move through it and not be a victim.
Who knows how my life would have been had I not found my first wife hanging from the ceiling. I chose in the aftermath to find the good in it. I tell anyone who is curious enough to ask that we probably wouldn’t be together and might have gone through a messy divorce. And I would give anything not to have gone through her suicide but I chose not to be defined by it.
In one of the groups I went to after for a while (the awfully named SOBS - I’ll leave you to guess what it stands for) was a 40 year old woman who had found her dad hanged when she was 18. She’d spent the next 20+years in dysfunctional relationships with men and finally decided it was enough. Move on.
The power of taking responsibility is for me being responsible as to how I move forward. That I can 100% own. I mean I can see how I could have acted differently and my first wife may still be alive. By my own failings did I cause it? Was I part of the cause? Maybe but what power does that give me? And then when talking about world hunger yes on a level I could give up my well paid job and devote myself to charity or try and become a billionaire and donate it all to charity so yes I am in some way responsible. For me the problem with that is it doesn’t empower me. The next step in that argument is that none of this will exist in a million years as the tectonic plates will all have shifted and it will be like we never existed so none of it truly matters in cosmic terms.
So to avoid going down that rabbit hole I choose to own exactly where I am and what happens to me with zero evidence except it gives me power and agency.
Right, spot on, this is the power of it (and different it is from fault/self-blame) and how it is only focused on the self, by and for the self. You get what I was trying to express, I think. The range of comments here is interesting but suggests either I have done a terrible job of communicating *or* that it’s just a very difficult thing to get across.
I was a bit later in life coming to a sense of radical responsibility but I’ve grown a bit since then. Auto accident? My fault for not heeding the warning that my reflexes were slowing down. Toxic roommate? I ignored miles of red flags. Upset stomach? Eating food that tastes delicious but I know won’t agree with me.
It’s truly liberating. No victim, no blaming others. It strongly encourages me to think before I speak or act.
Yes, completely liberating, Thomas. Thanks for sharing your experience of it. I think so far it’s just you and me in the comments who have adopted it but perhaps there will be others.
Why is it only great for teenagers? I’m not a teenager and I have only really come to adopt it in the last 15 years. I’m not sure teenagers are capable of it, what with their brains being in the process of being completely rewired!
It isn’t meant as any kind of onslaught. Anyone who perceives it that way should absolutely reject it! It is something I find liberating to adopt for myself but my goodness, if someone had suggested it to me when my life had utterly fallen apart in my early 30s I probably would have punched them! It’s maybe something that can be useful later when there are a few decades of experience to process, or something. Or maybe never. It’s definitely not for everyone.
It's good to take responsibility for what happens next even if you don't feel a sense of responsibility or ownership for what landed you here in the first place. The agency that comes from recognising only you can get you out of this is what prevents us from becoming 'victims'. It's as true for situations we couldn't control, ie our family of origin, as it is for ills we bring upon ourselves. As someone I can't remember once wisely said, 'Nobody has to have an unhappy childhood forever'.
I try to take radical responsibility and it's hard work!
It's so tempting to take responsibility for the 'good' things that happen to me, and to be a victim when 'bad' things happen... Part of the reason for that is that we've become obsessed with comfort, convenience, quick answers. Radical responsibility can be very uncomfortable; it doesn't yield tidy answers. It requires an ability to sit in the discomfort of not knowing why horrid things happen, sometimes for a very long time. An ability to let go of ever finding a satisfying explanation.
Radical responsibility also requires radical trust: somehow, at some level, life is fair, it makes sense, love is real. For most of my life, I believed that God/dess had all the answers, and my trust was that of a child in her parent. Taking responsibility involved a system of rewards and retributions, which kept me small and helpless. Trusting nature, or universal principles of fairness well beyond my understanding has meant growing up, claiming my sovereignty, standing in my victories and fuck-ups without complacency.
Our spontaneous kindness and compassion are naturally activated when we hear victim stories - we want to reach out, to help and comfort. Conversely we tend to associate sovereignty or responsibility with an element of toughness or coldness. People were incredibly kind when life was difficult, while being strong breeds an element of indifference, or at least - ah she's okay for now, we don't need to worry about her. And we so want to be taken care of, heard, held, even when things are going well.
I am trying to develop the ability to take responsibility without blaming myself and others, to be sovereign without being aloof, to be compassionate with myself and others without enabling cycles of self-pity.
Maybe life doesn't even happen "to" "me," but simply within my field. Maybe life is forever unfolding as part of a dynamic "me" that is also connected to you and us. Maybe things happen to an aspect of the sum total of me-you-us at a given time, and this "I" is continually clearing and readjusting.
Maybe when something happens to 'me' and I am able to take responsibility for it and clear it, 'I' clear it for 'you,' too, and we are all helping each other along the way, making the world better by releasing the ugly aspects of life.
Maybe I can be responsible without things being my fault and someone else can be responsible for exactly the same thing without being to blame. Maybe we need to learn that all this can simply coexist simultaneously without grasping it.
What do I know? It simply feels cleaner to take responsibility, to be sovereign. And that's enough.
There is a lot of complexity here, and I have taken some time to mull it over, but yes. I’m in tune with your ending maybes. That we can combine responsibility with compassion (for self and others) while eschewing blame (of self or others). It isn’t always easy but it feels clear and empowering.
I would say we share some responsibility for what happens to us, and total responsibility for what we do about it. But we can also accept that we’re not always going to succeed in putting things right. Failure is what makes us human; accepting and acknowledging that is what makes us grown up.
We aren't entirely responsible for what happens to us - none of us are - as you more or less day. Failure and indeed humility is part of being an adult.
Hmm… This is very totalizing as a philosophical view of responsibility. We can’t control many of the things that happen to us, but we can control and be responsible for our reaction to these things that happen to us. Understanding that is empowering because it actually allows us the ability to change outcomes as well as ourselves.
It’s a personal philosophy only; one we can choose to apply to ourselves rather than ‘a philosophical view of responsibility’ which would be presumably be applied to everyone else (hence totalizing).
Reading your responses to other people's posts, I think you and I are actually in agreement that this is about being responsible not only for our actions but also our reactions to others. That is true and also very difficult for many to practice. Most people are very reactive and that sets them up for more suffering.
Yes, completely. And I say this as someone who has a history of being very emotionally reactive! I try to catch ´reaction’ before it gets out of my control (I don’t always succeed, still human) and process my feelings privately so I can respond more thoughtfully. And then there is that inner response too about how we decide to frame the event / other person (to ourselves and to others). I am still making plenty of mistakes but I take responsibility for them as soon as I can.
We all are human though - and human beings make mistakes - how are we to know when we have got it wrong?! Spiritually there is the idea of 'discernment' but this is not necessarily easily learnt or practised.
I really like this post Ros, it triggered a few things in me too, but that's always a good thing to make me look at what my hidden assumptions are. I have never taken this approach, but I'm certainly open to the idea of a more connected, universal subconscious that we're not aware of. There's too many weird coincidences that have happened in my life to just be explained away, so it's really intriguing to reframe this as you've suggested. I'll be wondering about it for awhile thank you!
When I was a teacher one of the hardest things to teach was hidden assumptions - sociologists call it hegemony. I found that very difficult - also irony - I have an innate understanding but how do I unpick that for people who have no idea what is means or could mean to them?!
I feel the offense may be, in-part, due to abstracted definitions of the word "responsibility." The primary definition of "responsibility" is "ability to respond," but colloquially it is used as follows: "x happened and you are responsible, it is your fault for causing this." As opposed to "x happened and you are responsible, you have a duty to respond to this." While a subject may not have caused an event, it benefits the subject to recognize they are able to choose how they respond. They are 'responsible.'
As I said in the piece it is absolutely not about holding anyone responsible in the sense of fault or blame - indeed it is not something that should be placed on anyone else at all. It is only something you decide for yourself. It’s actually not about either of the two approaches you mention but there appears to be an understanding gap I can’t easily broach with this one. I think there’s a fundamental beneath it that I am not communicating and maybe cannot.
I think that there are some fairly hefty ethical issues here that there is actually not a great deal of consensus on which may explain the problem?! In so far as there is one...!!!
For me the power is in owning my reaction and not being defined by the event. By choosing to own my situation I can do something about it. I’m not blaming myself or punishing myself by saying I own this, it just means I can disown it with power and move on. I think Christians call this forgiveness. By forgiving yourself you can be kind to yourself and let go and, for something terrible that happened, forgiving that person empowers you. How truly does the anger, hurt and pain serve you. Yes totally justified, totally understandable but it will eat away at you and then not only did you suffer an horrendous event you then co rubies to suffer until you decide enough already. Forgiveness allows you to move on. You are saying nothing about the perpetrator or what they did. That’s for others. You can’t change what happened. You can change what will happen next profoundly.
Not at all. Did you read the article? Isn’t it clear that I actually adopt this philosophy for myself? That there are two ways of reading ‘offensive’ and I explore both of them, with a full recognition that some people genuinely find the principle offensive in the way you are assuming I do.
I’m find the range of responses to this piece very interesting; I’m definitely hitting a few misunderstandings. Peace to you too!
To me some of it showed the limitations of this kind of platform and discourse not so much a lack of skill on the part of the writer who I think it very inclusive and inviting of discussion.
I studied Buddhism for many years and though most of has dissolved somewhere in my brain a few things remain that might be applied here. Right thought. Right speech. Right action, and so on. And very impactful for me: by 'skillful means'. These might be called responsibilities, I guess.
To play the 'what if' game, there's a great lyric by The Black Keys: 'I hope you know, there might be hell below'. I think it could be applied to any religion, and it's what I follow now at 67. One doesn't know, but there might be
The general scope is thoroughly Christian and that’s not a criticism but we are not only functioning in a pseudo spiritual realm (fairly obviously). It has always been a sinful and adulterous world - quoting my vicar. Finger pointing isn’t really part of it as the repentant sinner is offered grace. In unlimited quantities.
I agree smartphones and knee-jerk reactions (combined with outrage-promoting algorithms on social media) have led to a lot of lazy thinking or even non-thinking, but wondered what specifically you were meaning
Taking responsibility for something isn’t necessarily the same as thinking it’s your fault. Maybe your childhood sucked. Maybe it even left you traumatised. You can’t undo what happened and the fallout is a reality you have to live with, at least from a starting position. But what you do about it, how you absorb it and left it affect you as a person, is absolutely under your control. You might need some help to get there, but ultimately if you think of yourself as a victim and that becomes your identity, everybody loses.
Yes, that’s absolutely it, Miranda. It’s definitely *not* about fault or blame in any direction, outward or inward. My childhood definitely left me traumatised and I would never say this was my fault, but under Radical Responsibility I don’t blame my parents or step-parents either. I’m grateful for the person I became as a result of it.
I think I'm responsible for my own choices, words, actions, behaviours, responses, feelings etc. And I think other people are responsible for theirs. Taking responsibility for things that others do is a step too far for me, especially when talking about acts of violence or cruelty. I may take responsibility for getting in a car with someone I didn't know well; it was not my choice for him to drug me and rape me. He did that and he is the one who carries the responsibility. Just to give an example. People can be innocent victims. But of course we shouldn't make that our identity or refuse to take responsibility for our healing.
Understood. And this is a particularly difficult thing when it comes to examples like that. Same as with the life-changing accident scenario. In my own life I would adopt that position from a broader perspective (one of suffering leading to growth) while not removing any responsibility from the rapist for his own actions. But yeah, it isn’t an easy thing and certainly not something for anyone but the person themselves to decide.
Reading the other comments and responses, I'm not sure if I understand the concept, after all. What I don't like is how easily it turns responsibility to blame. "You did this shit to yourself" sounds like gaslighting. But I think you're saying that on a soul level, all that we experience is chosen by us in order to learn. Which I can neither agree or disagree with; that's a matter of religious faith. Is it helpful to act as though that's true? I can see how it could be. It gives a cosmic perspective.
As I tried to make explicit, is is absolutely not to be put on others. Victim-blaming is absolutely abhorrent. And it’s not to be used for self-blame either. Blame is damaging for all concerned. It’s not about fault or blame.
Nor would I categorise it as a matter of religious faith, as I am not religious; organised religion is full of dogma and has done as much damage to women (and humankind as a whole) as anything; just another warped power structure. (I used to think Buddhism was exempt until I learned more about Buddishm)).
I know I used a provocative headline “You…” but it’s meant to be considered (I hope the article stresses) as something you might consider saying to yourself (not in a blaming way) and never to anyone else. I personally find it very freeing to see everything that happens to me (that looks “bad” at first sight) as some kind of personal development programme that on a subconscious or supra-conscious level, has been designed (by some aspect of ‘me’) for my growth. But I recognise this is a difficult concept and hard to grasp within the constraints of Rational Materialism (which is the dominant paradigm right now). A step too far for a lot of people. I wondered if I could explain it sufficiently despite all this, and I’m not sure I’ve managed it really!
Yes, maybe I'm not smart enough to get it. But if it helps you, then I'm glad.
I don’t think it’s about smart. From your writing, I’d say you’re whip-smart. But it is about having a belief framework (about how the universe functions) that can accommodate it, and that involves lots of stuff about quantum entanglement, non-local consciousness etc. Or a generally spiritual-not-religious perspective will also make it possible.
I think I just don't get it. I thought you were saying that you on some (below everyday consciousness) level choose all of your experiences in order that you can grow in a spiritual sense. But that's as far as I can get with it and from your response I gather that's not what you're saying. I assume I am not clever/evolved enough to get it - maybe I need to do some ayahuasca or something! As far as taking responsibility for ourselves and not seeing ourselves as victims, I am completely in agreement. I don't see myself as a victim of anything, although I certainly did for a long time and it made my life a lot worse. I try very hard now not to feel sorry for myself and maintain the perspective that it's more useful to simply accept whatever happens without rancour or bitterness. Shit happens, basically, and it's meaningless. What's meaningful is how you deal with the shit that happens to you. I am not sure how much I am still missing your point but suspect it's something beyond my current ability to understand.
As you said Ros, it is a personal response to empower yourself NOT to be a VICTIM of circumstances. It is completely your choice. It is, as you also say, not something you can ever impose on another. The power for me in this approach, and I have tried more or less successfully since I did the Landmark Forum in the late 90’s, is that by taking ownership I take control. If shit happens I own my own response. If on some unknown level (I don’t need to understand the mechanism or in any way prove it exists) I enabled this shit to happen then by definition I can choose to move through it and not be a victim.
Who knows how my life would have been had I not found my first wife hanging from the ceiling. I chose in the aftermath to find the good in it. I tell anyone who is curious enough to ask that we probably wouldn’t be together and might have gone through a messy divorce. And I would give anything not to have gone through her suicide but I chose not to be defined by it.
In one of the groups I went to after for a while (the awfully named SOBS - I’ll leave you to guess what it stands for) was a 40 year old woman who had found her dad hanged when she was 18. She’d spent the next 20+years in dysfunctional relationships with men and finally decided it was enough. Move on.
The power of taking responsibility is for me being responsible as to how I move forward. That I can 100% own. I mean I can see how I could have acted differently and my first wife may still be alive. By my own failings did I cause it? Was I part of the cause? Maybe but what power does that give me? And then when talking about world hunger yes on a level I could give up my well paid job and devote myself to charity or try and become a billionaire and donate it all to charity so yes I am in some way responsible. For me the problem with that is it doesn’t empower me. The next step in that argument is that none of this will exist in a million years as the tectonic plates will all have shifted and it will be like we never existed so none of it truly matters in cosmic terms.
So to avoid going down that rabbit hole I choose to own exactly where I am and what happens to me with zero evidence except it gives me power and agency.
Right, spot on, this is the power of it (and different it is from fault/self-blame) and how it is only focused on the self, by and for the self. You get what I was trying to express, I think. The range of comments here is interesting but suggests either I have done a terrible job of communicating *or* that it’s just a very difficult thing to get across.
I was a bit later in life coming to a sense of radical responsibility but I’ve grown a bit since then. Auto accident? My fault for not heeding the warning that my reflexes were slowing down. Toxic roommate? I ignored miles of red flags. Upset stomach? Eating food that tastes delicious but I know won’t agree with me.
It’s truly liberating. No victim, no blaming others. It strongly encourages me to think before I speak or act.
Yes, completely liberating, Thomas. Thanks for sharing your experience of it. I think so far it’s just you and me in the comments who have adopted it but perhaps there will be others.
I think it’s very handy for teenagers not so great for anyone else!
Why is it only great for teenagers? I’m not a teenager and I have only really come to adopt it in the last 15 years. I’m not sure teenagers are capable of it, what with their brains being in the process of being completely rewired!
Well let’s hope they can withstand it.
It isn’t meant as any kind of onslaught. Anyone who perceives it that way should absolutely reject it! It is something I find liberating to adopt for myself but my goodness, if someone had suggested it to me when my life had utterly fallen apart in my early 30s I probably would have punched them! It’s maybe something that can be useful later when there are a few decades of experience to process, or something. Or maybe never. It’s definitely not for everyone.
Just my sense of humour - worry not!
It's good to take responsibility for what happens next even if you don't feel a sense of responsibility or ownership for what landed you here in the first place. The agency that comes from recognising only you can get you out of this is what prevents us from becoming 'victims'. It's as true for situations we couldn't control, ie our family of origin, as it is for ills we bring upon ourselves. As someone I can't remember once wisely said, 'Nobody has to have an unhappy childhood forever'.
I try to take radical responsibility and it's hard work!
It's so tempting to take responsibility for the 'good' things that happen to me, and to be a victim when 'bad' things happen... Part of the reason for that is that we've become obsessed with comfort, convenience, quick answers. Radical responsibility can be very uncomfortable; it doesn't yield tidy answers. It requires an ability to sit in the discomfort of not knowing why horrid things happen, sometimes for a very long time. An ability to let go of ever finding a satisfying explanation.
Radical responsibility also requires radical trust: somehow, at some level, life is fair, it makes sense, love is real. For most of my life, I believed that God/dess had all the answers, and my trust was that of a child in her parent. Taking responsibility involved a system of rewards and retributions, which kept me small and helpless. Trusting nature, or universal principles of fairness well beyond my understanding has meant growing up, claiming my sovereignty, standing in my victories and fuck-ups without complacency.
Our spontaneous kindness and compassion are naturally activated when we hear victim stories - we want to reach out, to help and comfort. Conversely we tend to associate sovereignty or responsibility with an element of toughness or coldness. People were incredibly kind when life was difficult, while being strong breeds an element of indifference, or at least - ah she's okay for now, we don't need to worry about her. And we so want to be taken care of, heard, held, even when things are going well.
I am trying to develop the ability to take responsibility without blaming myself and others, to be sovereign without being aloof, to be compassionate with myself and others without enabling cycles of self-pity.
Maybe life doesn't even happen "to" "me," but simply within my field. Maybe life is forever unfolding as part of a dynamic "me" that is also connected to you and us. Maybe things happen to an aspect of the sum total of me-you-us at a given time, and this "I" is continually clearing and readjusting.
Maybe when something happens to 'me' and I am able to take responsibility for it and clear it, 'I' clear it for 'you,' too, and we are all helping each other along the way, making the world better by releasing the ugly aspects of life.
Maybe I can be responsible without things being my fault and someone else can be responsible for exactly the same thing without being to blame. Maybe we need to learn that all this can simply coexist simultaneously without grasping it.
What do I know? It simply feels cleaner to take responsibility, to be sovereign. And that's enough.
There is a lot of complexity here, and I have taken some time to mull it over, but yes. I’m in tune with your ending maybes. That we can combine responsibility with compassion (for self and others) while eschewing blame (of self or others). It isn’t always easy but it feels clear and empowering.
I would say we share some responsibility for what happens to us, and total responsibility for what we do about it. But we can also accept that we’re not always going to succeed in putting things right. Failure is what makes us human; accepting and acknowledging that is what makes us grown up.
We aren't entirely responsible for what happens to us - none of us are - as you more or less day. Failure and indeed humility is part of being an adult.
Hmm… This is very totalizing as a philosophical view of responsibility. We can’t control many of the things that happen to us, but we can control and be responsible for our reaction to these things that happen to us. Understanding that is empowering because it actually allows us the ability to change outcomes as well as ourselves.
It’s a personal philosophy only; one we can choose to apply to ourselves rather than ‘a philosophical view of responsibility’ which would be presumably be applied to everyone else (hence totalizing).
Reading your responses to other people's posts, I think you and I are actually in agreement that this is about being responsible not only for our actions but also our reactions to others. That is true and also very difficult for many to practice. Most people are very reactive and that sets them up for more suffering.
Yes, completely. And I say this as someone who has a history of being very emotionally reactive! I try to catch ´reaction’ before it gets out of my control (I don’t always succeed, still human) and process my feelings privately so I can respond more thoughtfully. And then there is that inner response too about how we decide to frame the event / other person (to ourselves and to others). I am still making plenty of mistakes but I take responsibility for them as soon as I can.
We all are human though - and human beings make mistakes - how are we to know when we have got it wrong?! Spiritually there is the idea of 'discernment' but this is not necessarily easily learnt or practised.
I really like this post Ros, it triggered a few things in me too, but that's always a good thing to make me look at what my hidden assumptions are. I have never taken this approach, but I'm certainly open to the idea of a more connected, universal subconscious that we're not aware of. There's too many weird coincidences that have happened in my life to just be explained away, so it's really intriguing to reframe this as you've suggested. I'll be wondering about it for awhile thank you!
When I was a teacher one of the hardest things to teach was hidden assumptions - sociologists call it hegemony. I found that very difficult - also irony - I have an innate understanding but how do I unpick that for people who have no idea what is means or could mean to them?!
I find this a useful idea on a personal level. For sure, it’s complex and nuanced, but you did a good job of explaining it.
Yes even knowing it is 'on the table' is something that many may not grasp.
I feel the offense may be, in-part, due to abstracted definitions of the word "responsibility." The primary definition of "responsibility" is "ability to respond," but colloquially it is used as follows: "x happened and you are responsible, it is your fault for causing this." As opposed to "x happened and you are responsible, you have a duty to respond to this." While a subject may not have caused an event, it benefits the subject to recognize they are able to choose how they respond. They are 'responsible.'
As I said in the piece it is absolutely not about holding anyone responsible in the sense of fault or blame - indeed it is not something that should be placed on anyone else at all. It is only something you decide for yourself. It’s actually not about either of the two approaches you mention but there appears to be an understanding gap I can’t easily broach with this one. I think there’s a fundamental beneath it that I am not communicating and maybe cannot.
I think that there are some fairly hefty ethical issues here that there is actually not a great deal of consensus on which may explain the problem?! In so far as there is one...!!!
For me the power is in owning my reaction and not being defined by the event. By choosing to own my situation I can do something about it. I’m not blaming myself or punishing myself by saying I own this, it just means I can disown it with power and move on. I think Christians call this forgiveness. By forgiving yourself you can be kind to yourself and let go and, for something terrible that happened, forgiving that person empowers you. How truly does the anger, hurt and pain serve you. Yes totally justified, totally understandable but it will eat away at you and then not only did you suffer an horrendous event you then co rubies to suffer until you decide enough already. Forgiveness allows you to move on. You are saying nothing about the perpetrator or what they did. That’s for others. You can’t change what happened. You can change what will happen next profoundly.
But you do have to take a leap of faith and that is a pretty costly thing to do and also you need to be afforded grace - which isn't cheap either...
Your judgement "offensive principle" suggests that there's no room for discussion. Peace to you.
Not at all. Did you read the article? Isn’t it clear that I actually adopt this philosophy for myself? That there are two ways of reading ‘offensive’ and I explore both of them, with a full recognition that some people genuinely find the principle offensive in the way you are assuming I do.
I’m find the range of responses to this piece very interesting; I’m definitely hitting a few misunderstandings. Peace to you too!
To me some of it showed the limitations of this kind of platform and discourse not so much a lack of skill on the part of the writer who I think it very inclusive and inviting of discussion.
Thanks, Ellis.
I studied Buddhism for many years and though most of has dissolved somewhere in my brain a few things remain that might be applied here. Right thought. Right speech. Right action, and so on. And very impactful for me: by 'skillful means'. These might be called responsibilities, I guess.
To play the 'what if' game, there's a great lyric by The Black Keys: 'I hope you know, there might be hell below'. I think it could be applied to any religion, and it's what I follow now at 67. One doesn't know, but there might be
The general scope is thoroughly Christian and that’s not a criticism but we are not only functioning in a pseudo spiritual realm (fairly obviously). It has always been a sinful and adulterous world - quoting my vicar. Finger pointing isn’t really part of it as the repentant sinner is offered grace. In unlimited quantities.
This lazy thinking is all over the place! Enabled by knee-jerk smart phones and self-righteous idiots. Hey ho…!!!
I agree smartphones and knee-jerk reactions (combined with outrage-promoting algorithms on social media) have led to a lot of lazy thinking or even non-thinking, but wondered what specifically you were meaning
I will have a little ponder as I tend to write fairly brief and quick responses on here and might be misconstrued! Thanks for your interest.